Posted by sunny10 on June 27, 2005, at 8:38:35
In reply to Re: I am trying » sunny10, posted by Susan47 on June 25, 2005, at 19:24:55
--- you really know how to get to the most important point, don't you?!?
I think the entire REASON I'm in therapy is that I don't know HOW to think highly enough of myself to internalize and accept anyone's help. So I need her to teach me HOW to do THAT before teaching me anything else!
I can do it for an hour, maybe, but on a constant basis, 24-7 without having to force myself to get over "the shame of wanting something for myself"?!? Hopefully she knows how to teach someone that. Mostly I feel like I don't deserve it. I know that's behind all of my obsessing about losing those that I love. Because I'm afraid that I don't deserve them. For instance, I am petrified that my SO will "figure out that I'm worthless" and find someone better than me to love.
I am so insecure now that we don't live together anymore. A million little things happen and are said when we are together, but my mind latches onto the negative things and glosses over the positive things. I hate that.
He used to refer to us as being married. Mainly because we lived together over six months (in Colorado, where he lived for his adult years, if a man and woman live together for more than six months, they are considered to be married). Now that we live apart, we were walking down the street when he complained about his ring being too small for his right ring finger. When I suggested that he move it to the smaller left hand, he said, "But that's the wedding ring finger". And no dinner, no amount of walking hand in hand down the street, no amount of gently pulling me over, arm curved around my waist, and placing a gentle kiss on my lips (in public; non-sexual) can make the thought "he wants to think of himself as being single again" go away.
It haunts me. And I am desperate not to let this show, because I don't want it to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don't WANT to be that annoying, clinging girlfriend/wife. I want to be carefree, glib even; so that he'll want to be with me more- not less.
I'm just not feeling very glib these days. I tried to explain that depressive episodes don't just vanish the second I put a med in my mouth, but I am afraid that he doesn't truly understand and fears that I have become someone else. Someone that he wouldn't want to be with.
And worst of all, I know these are my thoughts; not his. And I STILL can't stop from obsessing when these thoughts come over me. These are the types of dreams I'm having.
It's funny; I know how wonderful you guys are to me. What a big piece of my life you have become. But when you tell me that I am a good person, the tiny thought "but she doesn't really know me" goes flitting around in my head. Even when, logically, I know YOU are a good person, I cannot see why you'd think it of me.
Worst of all, I know it's stupid to think this way. I just can't seem to stop.
Your dream sounds too simple to decode. You have a comfortable man-shaped space within you that is simply waiting for the right man before you open it up and play within it! It's there, ready to go, lovely even. The right man will be there with you to entertain and delight in life with. Even your inner ctitic (mom) is there with you, waiting non-judgementally.
Give me something harder!!! (seriously, though, I'm really glad you are able to be so relaxed and able to stop and talk to the kitties.)
love,
sunny10
poster:sunny10
thread:513088
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050627/msgs/519798.html