Posted by Larry Hoover on June 5, 2005, at 15:38:20
In reply to Careful this is expl. could trigger I suppose? » 10derHeart, posted by Susan47 on June 4, 2005, at 12:24:21
The first time I read this, this word jumped out, and I misread it. See if you can guess what word I *thought* it was....
> No, my first reaction to what you're writing now is no, I'm not fearful, but then I make a big chain, you know, a heavy chain with huge, heavy steel links, it's a link from the **dock**
I guess the word penis does have a lot of power.
> to the ship ... when I was three we "came to America" ... I remember a huge ocean liner, with big anchors in front, and a huge wooden dock, empty but for some few tiny humans ... I remember the solidity of the dock beneath my feet, I remember some huge emotion, my father's excitement ... a smell of ocean .. it was Hamburg ...
> Whew.
> Don't know why I just went there. I haven't remembered this incident so clearly, so freely, in my life. I remember this.
> Oh yes, penises. Lovely, lovely hard and soft hot and mellow things .. attached to a mind, attached to strength, attached to me ... hmh. No, not attached to me, but inside me, somewhere ...
> Okay.I'm a little suprised....maybe only a little...at how much has been evoked by my use of the word. You see, it's the only aspect of my maleness that I was born with. All the rest I developed. My secondary sex characteristics, and especially, my male social behaviours, came after. So, I think of the penis as the basic maleness, and I use it as the primary symbol, when I want to strip away all the other aspects of male identity.
Not to say I haven't learned things about penology (I'm sure there actually *is* a "study of the penis and how it employed") over the years. <heh>
> Yes, I suppose somewhere inside me is a fear of men's sexuality. I want to find it beautiful, I want to find my own beautiful.
That was sweetly said.
> Maybe the fear is that it's not acceptable?
The very idea of that disturbs me, somehow, that you might have such a fear.
> I think my parents were really really sexual, even in front of us, Well, I think about the way they were and yes, they really were in some ways.. they were sometimes pretty disgusting about it, in my little mind .. but I don't know why I think that, except when I think they didn't like to see anything sexual about us, or maybe it was that they did, you know, and they laughed at it.
> Or something.
> Something.
> Wish I knew, think it might not be important to dissect, you know but I have this feeling that my subconscious isn't going to let it rest.My gut reaction to your revelation is that it is very important to understand this ambivalence. I think a great deal of importance bears on this ambivalence.
Somebody taught you to think of yourself as disgusting in a sexual context. (Oh dear, I hope that doesn't sound harsh. I'm restating what you just said, I think.)
> It never does.
> I try, but I have this really strong subconscious mind.
> Whew.What do you gain from suppressing this?
Tenderly,
Lar
poster:Larry Hoover
thread:500245
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050531/msgs/508031.html