Posted by Verloren on December 21, 2009, at 9:08:43
Trying to figure out where I am right now.
I feel so lost. I started therapy after some discussions with my old life coach brought out repressed memories that he couldnt handle. I starting seeing a Therapist who I felt just sat there and regurgitated the things I told her. Ex. Id say Im sad my father left us. She would reply It seems like your fathers leaving caused a lot of sadness in your life. And Id get angry and think thats what I just said, what am I paying her for. I felt like therapy with her was a train that had no schedule, no tracks, no conductor, and just kept going in circles.
My current T is hard to describe really because I put so much thought into what I want her to be instead of letting the therapy happen. I started experiences transference feelings with her a few months in and theyve grown strong at points and subsided at points. But mostly I think about her and my therapy ALL the time. And the sessions seem to fly by but the days and hours leading up to them are always so slow.
I started researching books and websites about my issues. I wanted to give this new train some tracks and a direction to go in. I became very determined to plan out the sessions and even created summary sheets of what my mood was and what I wanted to discuss. I was so afraid of being stuck with another T who just regurgitated back to me like some mindless parrot. Really, all that education, skill and insight is worthless if theyre just going to sit there and look at you.
With all of my research I became pretty versed in psychological lingo for a while. I think this impressed my T because she mentioned a few times how intelligent I was. That made me feel good. I had impressed her and I wanted to keep doing it so she would like me more. I feared shed discover my secret disgusting side so I kept trying to convince her of my wit and used humor to charm her. It was in making her laugh that the transference really hit. Then I really started to notice her physically which, for some reason, I hadnt really cared about before. Her eyes are gorgeous. They smile, but only when shes smiling. It makes me happy just picturing them now. And her legs; well you all can probably figure where this is going. Shes smallish and very petite. She wears skirts all the time. When I first met her I looked at her and thought to myself, pretty sarcastically, stockings, really? All day long in stockings?!? But after a while I enjoyed it because it gave me the opportunity to admire her physique more.
Now I have full transference for her that seems to be a mixture of sexual and parental. I fantasize about rescuing her and being her hero, about her living with me as my partner, and about me sitting at her feet during our sessions and crying in her lap while she holds me, pets my head, and gently tells me everything will work out.
Now that my thoughts are consumed with her, I decided I had to do something about it. I was too afraid of how she would react toward me if she knew my feelings. I had mentioned the topic of transference before in an attempt to get a feel for how she would approach the subject but, in the end I felt very shameful and decided not to tell her my true feelings.
Finally, I went to a 2nd T, who Ill call Ada, to consult with and discuss the feelings I have for my original T. Ada was very sincere and helped me understand that by telling my T about the transference Id be able to move forward and let the therapy happen the way it should.
I told Ada Id come back and see her to let her know how it went with my T after the transference discussion. At the time, I really had to intention of keeping Ada although she seemed to instantly connect and awaken something in me. I felt myself summarizing my story very easily for her and was impressed/surprised when the insight and feedback she provided was very on point, especially regarding topics on which I had barely brushed the surface. I feel like she inspired me connect with my T honestly and openly and that she would ultimately be good for me and my Ts relationship. But when I told my T about Ada, my T said I shouldnt see 2 therapists at the same time. I didnt understand at first, but went home and did some research and now I understand a little bit about the conflicting advice and how it could cause whirlwinds of confusion for me. Also, seeing Ada might mean that Id share more with her than with my original T.
So after my T said not to keep the seeing them both, I went to my 2nd and last visit with Ada. After I sat, I almost immediately started crying. I confessed that I felt very lost and didnt really want to stop seeing her but that it would have to be our last visit. Part of me strangely felt like I had cheated on my T and now I had to breakup with Ada in order to keep my relationship with my 1st T.
When the session with Ada was over I got teary eyed again and told her I would miss her. She said she enjoyed having me in and would welcome me back anytime. When I left I went straight to the bathroom and started balling my eyes out. I couldnt stop crying. I pounded the walls and my whole body felt drained. I cried so much that I caused myself to have a terrible headache. My eyes were completely bloodshot. I felt extremely sad and even more lost and confused. I wanted to go back into the office and tell Ada how awful I felt but she was with another patient so I left the building. On the way to my car I passed a liquor store and bought 2 bottles of wine. (I have slight issues with using alcohol as a crutch) When I got to my car I started sobbing again and I knew I wouldnt be able to drive so I called my original T. She quickly called me back and I just kept sobbing saying I dont understand why this has me so upset! Finally, I stopped crying and felt safe enough to drive myself home. I also told my T I felt angry at her because it was she who said I couldnt see Ada and her at the same time. I wonder if the therapy will get better after this incident.
I felt so weak from crying and so miserable that I stayed in bed for hours all day drinking wine and feeling terrible. I really miss Ada but dont understand why I feel for her so much since I only known her for 2 sessions. I dont believe it is another case of transference. I do feel like I was able to talk more easily with Ada but I also think this is because Ive been talking about these issues so much with my 1st T. I definitely dont want to stop seeing my T and start seeing Ada. I want them both! I feel like my T is just another person I love telling me I cant have what I want. I feel like its her fault I had to reach out to someone else in the first place and she should want me to be happy. Feeling like I have to choose is making me really sad. I feel like lying to them and leading a double life but I know that would confuse me even more. I wish I could magically smush them together into one ultimate T. Plus, Ada specializes in art therapy which is something Ive always thought would help me. My original T does not do art therapy.
I wonder if I could meet with the both of them together somehow. And how would that work?This weekend feels terrible and I think Ive really slid backward. I started searching for and posting threads on support groups to connect with. Im struggling to think of what Ill do while Im thinking this irrationally. I posted threads but I just kept checking them every hour hoping someone has reached out to me. Then, Id get upset that no one had responded yet and I would feel even more hopeless. My appetite is completely lost. I cant think of anything to eat and thats actually scary because Im always eating.
Im thinking of waiting a week and seeing how it goes and if I still want to see Ada, I will call and make an appt. with or without my Ts permission. I dont want to choose. And I dont want to have my T resent my actions or become exasperated with me but if I still have an intense need to see Ada, then I will. I cant live with these hopeless feelings and terrible depressing days. I just hope my T understands and forgives me. I cant even think of losing her after weve come this far; almost 5 months. I cant start over. I just want to be able to open up to her and Ada makes me feel like I can be honest with my T. Even typing that feels insane and weird but thats how I truly feel. Whats even more insane is that I miss Adas couch more than I miss her, if thats possible. I think about curling up on the couch and something about that makes me feel better. I really wish my T had a couch. I really do.
Im so lonely tonight. I want someone to hug me and mean it. Im so ashamed of my body and I hate letting people touch me because I am disgusting and smelly. Im not very smart at all otherwise I wouldnt be in this situation anyway. But Im feeling very small tonight. I want someone to hold me and pretend they are not repulsed by my skin. It makes me nauseous to think anyone would be willing to really care about something like me. I wish I could be the person I want but Im so hidden under piles of fat and hateful feelings. I wish I was beautiful.
I just want to feel safe. Im tired of thats life. Im tired of having to accept my reality and live each day within this struggle. I want an easy way out. I think I should get one. But so many right things have happened that I cant completely throw away. This is just the loneliness talking. I feel like screaming Please hold me!. But no one is listening. Not even Moregard, my cat. Shes asleep with her back to me. So I keep typing these words while my minds keeps screaming Please hold me, please hold me, please just hold me and tell me you care. Anyone?!?...Thanks for listening
-Verloren
poster:Verloren
thread:930143
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20091212/msgs/930143.html