Posted by turtle on March 11, 2009, at 17:02:37
In reply to Negative transference, posted by wittgensteinz on March 11, 2009, at 7:24:10
Witti
Getting the help you need is difficult enough without having to struggle against being judged in the process. I'm sorry that you are in this situation. The whole thing sounds horrible.You should listen to yourself when you feel fear and lack of trust in this situation. Your feelings here are valid. This pdoc does not sound like he has your best interests in mind.
My first therapist had a very negative opinion of me. She let it slip (twice) that she thought I was schizoid, and she had this view of me as some strange creature who couldn't communicate. During our final session together she told me in a very judgmental way that I should go find someone who does alternative therapy like sandbox or art therapy, because "talk therapy just wasn't working for me". She fired me after two years for "never getting over my fear", as if I failed and was hopeless.
Was she right? She judged me, and I bought into it, so was it true?
My current therapist took the time to very gently earn my trust. I have never felt judged by her. I now fill my sessions up, talk way too much, and have progress and movement in my issues. It is a completely different experience.What all of this taught me that my previous T's experience of me was just one small slice of who I really am. *I* am not those things. My childhood taught me some pretty strong defense mechanisms to use when I'm not safe. Under unsafe conditions (being judged, pushed around, experiencing hurts and ruptures without repair, being exposed without having trust) I respond with lots of fear, and that shuts me down tight. When I am shut down, I can be experienced by someone who continues to approach me with those behaviors in the same way as my first T experienced me.
It sounds to me that you facing something very similar. You are also experiencing fear and lack of trust, and rightly so. When you are afraid, the ways that you protect yourself become stronger. It could it be that this pdoc associates the things that he is experiencing from you (while you are afraid) as "borderline". And if so, so what? Why is he responding by judging you and calling you hopeless? Why is he not trying to be supportive of you in your experience, whatever that experience is, and building up trust with you? It's also important to remember that not everyone who has the same experience with you as he did would interpret things in the same way. His interpretation (with his own filters and biases) in this moment (3 sessions!) does not define you.
I wanted to stick it out with my first therapist too if she would have let me. I'm so happy now that I didn't have that option. I didn't understand at that point that I was caught in a pattern from my childhood. (He reminds you of your mother?) You can't just force those things to go away. The way to resolve fear and trust issues is to work with people who are willing to give you the space and support you need while *they* work to earn your trust. Is this pdoc willing to do that? Toughing it out with someone who is judging you unfairly (definitely not a safe environment) only proves that you are strong and can live through very painful things while it gets in the way of getting the real help that you need.
How are you feeling about your T now? I think that having my T respond in that way to something someone said about me, and to take that opinion over what we experienced together, would feel very disturbing.
If you do look for another pdoc, I encourage you to just say no when they ask for your prior records. Hand them a medication and health history (get it from your pharmacy or primary physician?) and ask them to form their own opinion. A good professional should be able to do that. When I switched to my current T I had definitely decided to not let her talk to my first T, and luckily she had the grace to not ask to. Why would I let someone who I was trying to build a new relationship with (a very important relationship!) talk to someone who had a bad opinion of me? For someone who is primarily managing your medications, there are other ways to get the essential facts that they need.
I wish you the best.
Turtle
poster:turtle
thread:884840
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090227/msgs/884901.html