Posted by antigua3 on December 25, 2008, at 17:39:39
In reply to Grief, posted by DAisym on December 23, 2008, at 2:46:36
Oh Daisy, you know I'm experiencing some of the same things. Last year I said to my older son,"this is the last year I can make you come to church with us, right?" And he agreed, and we had come to an important place in our relationship. Little did I know that this year would even be harder, having him gone, and yes, as you've said, making different choices, some that are very difficult to accept (I don't mean being gone, but about his own life and who he wil be with) that are so different from what I've dreamed.
In some ways, it's no different than the grief we feel that our lives, and their lives, are not turning out as we had planned. When they are little, so much of what we they do, who they hang out with, etc., is in our control. It's tough giving up that control, although as it has been said, that is what we hope for them when we grow up.
I like what fallsfall said: part of it is letting go of that role and deciding what we want to do with the rest of our life? For me, it's also about being afraid to try what I'd always dreamed of, and what if I fail? We're only given one life, although we play so many roles.
I wish I could cry. Even at the sappy movies. Maybe that will be my New Year's resolution: to learn to cry again. For me, the feelings are overtaken by rage, which is very scary, and like you said elsewhere (or someone else said!) that the rage is what I've kept in all these years. The problem is that it doesn't come out appropriately--to the right person or never at the right time.
So I have things to work on.
My Christmas turned out better than I expected, although rage did rear its ugly head when I experienced sensory overload. I handled it, but it still scares me.
Maybe what I'm experiencing really is grief, and I don't want to, can't express it, so it comes out as rage. I've been holding this in for a really long time and I wanted it to leak out slowly, not explode.
Now if I could only feel the rage toward my pdoc; that would be productive. He says he has seen me angry, but I doubt that, or at least not to the level that I'm capable of! So watch out...
And you're right. grief isn't soothed by the cleaning, cooking or baking. I worked my tail off on Christmas Eve and all I was left with was the unexploded grief and an exhaustion that I shouldn't have driven myself to for the holiday.
I hope Christmas turns out OK for you.
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:870414
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/870763.html