Posted by DAisym on December 23, 2008, at 2:46:36
Sometimes I struggle with grief - the kind of grief that is so, so sad - like the loss is so big and so deep that you will never heal from it. I feel this grief when I think about my marriage - it is best that it is over but I will forever feel the loss of our family and those dreams.
I feel this grief when I think about my children growing up and making different choices. My son has decided he doesn't want to go to church with us on Christmas eve - he isn't sure he believes in God anymore. I argued with him and even attempted the "do it for me" card...but he held his ground. When I reflected on the conversation, I realized I owed him an apology. I've raised him to be an independent thinker and now that he is, I want to impose my beliefs. He is a fine young man, and I trust he will find his way. When I apologized, he thanked me and told me that he loves being with the family and is looking forward to Christmas. He was so sweet about it - and so mature.
I cried a lot over this whole incident, in private, of course. And I cried a lot in therapy today over it. I wasn't even sure what I was crying over. My therapist said he thinks it is another loss - realizing yet again how grown up my children are getting to be. And it is scary to let go of one kind of mothering for another. We talked about how all the memories get in the way of connecting with my family. When I'm with them, I want to rage at them, "how could you not know? Why didn't anyone do anything?" When I was crying today, I said, "I'm still so alone. No one knows." He looked at me and said, "I know." Which only made me cry harder. Mostly he sat with me today - telling me it was OK to cry and giving me lots of space to tell him about the hurts. The silences weren't loaded like they usually are. They were rest stops and it was OK.
Grief is a funny thing. It hurts deep inside and refuses to give over to cleaning or baking or working. It wants quiet - it wants the sappy movies and the slow love-gone-wrong songs. It wants the pain to be felt and acknowledged. And I've yet to figure out how to stop grieving for things long since past.
My therapist goes on vacation after tomorrow. He is supposed to be gone 10 days. Today he said he might be around Mon or Tuesday and see some clients. I suspect he is doing that for me, it has been rough going lately. I feel grief around this too - his leaving as well as his worry. I want to make him promise to come back and I want to make him promise to not interrupt his vacation. I can grieve on my own, even if it is for him.
poster:DAisym
thread:870414
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/870414.html