Posted by pegasus on March 3, 2008, at 12:24:11
In reply to MAD MAD MAD!, posted by Daisym on March 3, 2008, at 1:01:28
Daisy, I wish so much that you had gotten what you needed from your mom. It is heartbreaking that she responded the way she did.
I also want to tell you how the interaction sounded to me in the flatness of reading it from a post, and not hearing it, or knowing you or your mother personally. My first interpretation was that your mom might have thought you were suggesting to her not to pursue it any further. Maybe, just maybe, and what do I know (nothing) . . . she was testing the waters about asking you whether you knew anything more about what your sister said. And your response *could have*, coming from some people, in the context of some relationships, sounded like you were warning her away. If she's the type of person that tries to guess what other people want her to do, she might have guessed that your response meant "no, don't ask me", or even that you thought she shouldn't want to know. And so, she let you know she wouldn't ask.
Which still sucks. I mean, she shouldn't care what anyone else thinks if there's a chance her daughter was abused. Obviously her daughter needs her!
Is it at all possible to bring it up again with your mom? Maybe you could point out that there might be things - besides reporting her husband to the police - that she could do that might help her daughter. You could point out that your sister is surely dealing with a lot and could benefit from her mother's support (whether it's true or not, but especially if it is). And maybe ask her if she'd want to provide support if it was true. I mean, I'm just thinking that perhaps her denial is so profound that she hasn't even thought of that angle yet, or is looking for permission from you (for whatever reason) about going there. Of course, how much more painful if you become that direct with her, and she says that she can't support your sister, even if it is true. So, it's always a big risk, and I wish I could somehow lift the whole tangled mess from your shoulders.
I hope this suggestion doesn't bring up more pain for you. If it does, I sincerely and profusely apologize. My intention is not to suggest that you should have responded differently. I think you were amazing. I just wanted to let you know that the dialog read a little differently to me, on first glance.
No doubt the world would be a better place if your mom could have decided on her own to support her daughters no matter what.
Peg
poster:pegasus
thread:815878
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080226/msgs/815947.html