Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 27, 2007, at 15:31:20
I told my T a big ugly one today. He gets to be the first one to hear the secret. It came out in disjointed chunks. I admire the way he was able to put it together coherently and then help me make sense out of it. goodT. he even got out his notes from last session to help us remember what we were talking about that triggered this big ugly one.
Did I mention that he usually offers me a cup of coffee, which I always refuse, but that today I accepted. with cream and sugar thank you. niceT
But then he told me a story from the perpetrator's perspective that underscored how perpetrators use denial, etc. to delude themselves into believing that they have done no ill.
I do not know why T ended on that note. I am not interested in forgiveness. I only want somebody to sit with me and hold my pain.
I came home with a big black blank in my consciousness. I lay in bed and tried to think. I could not think. my consciousness had been stolen. Either I had the black blank, or I had the big ugly flashback, which gives me a visceral reaction of nausea. There was no happy medium.
Then I woke up 2.5 hours later. I don't know how to hold this one.
T told me that this is in the past and not to allow it to taint my present. Not to go home and (censored). I kind of grunted sarcastically. yeah right.
Sorry, I just felt like sharing.
-Ll
poster:llurpsienoodle
thread:797325
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071120/msgs/797325.html