Posted by muffled on December 3, 2007, at 15:44:40
In reply to Re: trepidation » muffled, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 3, 2007, at 15:05:11
> It was so hard. I did tell the big ugly, and while I was at it, some little uglies as well.
*sigh LL, you not one for slow going are you?!
But you did it, you SAID it, and noone is gonna get you for it. Its OK. Its been said. Its out there in the light, ugly as hell, but out there, and maybe initially even uglier in the light? or no? But now you can SEE it, see it for what it really is, you can get used to it, and realize the false stuff you been 'holding' onto all this time, and hopefully in time...it will become less and less, and alot of the bad emots that go with it will be reduced.
Listen to me....
>
> T told me and showed me that I was REALLY hard on myself. back then and even now. That I need to do some self-talk "it was not my fault" "it was not my fault" etc etc.*hmmm, how come I'm not surprized that you hard on yourself......?
IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. I am yelling this to all who need to hear this.
Kids are kids, they dunno. Weird.....even as I say this...I am somehow negating it in my head....weird....
Anyhow..
What can I say, sh*t happens, it happens to kids, kids are not adults, they are kids.So WTF they s'posed to DO anyways I guess. Arrggghhhh, this is a tough one. EASY for me to just spout to you how its not YOUR kids fault, but I am thinking of my kid too, and then..its not so easy... Hmmmm, I think I can accept THIS line.....Adults job is to care for kids. Kids job is to learn...
Whatever.
>
> I just left my supervisor with a voicemail (I made a mistake at work) and my voice is shaking. still. hours later. this has been the hardest week I've had in a long time, and it doesn't seem like it's getting better.*Awww, mistakeos suck. We all make them. Some people seem to think they are higher than God. Hope your supervisors not one of THOSE kind of people. Anyhow, you noticed and rectified your mistake, so thats good. That was responsible. Its amazing you manage to do what you do. Give yourself some credit.
>
> Even after telling my T the big uggly, I still feel deep shame and fear. I wasn't supposed to tell. I wasn't supposed to tell. I feel so much self-loathing, that I would like to disappear.*Hmmm. I had a bad moment a coupla weeks ago. I wonder if in retrospect it was a sort of a flashback type thing. I don't do flashbacks. But maybe this was like a mini one and thats why I freaked. But anyways, I went scuttling back to T, and in my moment of weakness, I DID say a little bit. And my T asked me something along the lines of ;how does that feel?'. I am tyhinking maybe she thot I would feel better? I DIDN'T. Not so's I noticed. But now I wonder if maybe she was referring to the fact that, even though I said a forbidden thing, NOTHING happened. Maybe nothing particularly good, BUT, and thus is a BIG but (yeah and I got a big BUTT too), anyhow..the thing is, nothing BAD happened either......a giant evil hand did not grab and crush me to a pulp, my head didn't pop off, the world didn't stop, I wasn't magically transformed into a hideaus being....etc. I was the same.(same as I ever am...) I was safe sitting there with my T. Even though I did a very very bad thing and told her a little bit bout that which we do not say. So maybe thats it? I dunno.
> catharsis, where art thou
*I'm starting to think its a PROCESS all right. That it takes time. It takes time to even be safe enuf to say. It takes time to weaken its power over us. Its takes time to beleive the wrong things we say to ourselves. It just TAKES TIME. Sigh, no fast track, no miracles...
BUT (yup, me'n'my BIG butt again...it follows me everywhere...)
WE ARE MOVING AHEAD. Slowly but surely, we are moving ahead. Sometime we might fall back a bit, but then we move ahead again, slowly steadily gaining..
God I spout SO MUCH crap. Its TRUE. On some level I obvo understand this sh*t. But another part of me says I am THE biggest f*ck*ng sh*th**d that ever lived.
Sigh...
A journey.
Well, alls I goto say is some parts of this damn journey SUCKS SH*T.
But there's wonderful times too, and everythoing in between.
And I want to help others.
Be a good mom.
Whatever.
Thinking of ya LL, sending you very best wishes.
M
poster:muffled
thread:797325
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071120/msgs/798520.html