Posted by sunnydays on October 15, 2007, at 17:02:43
In reply to Re: Pushing and Pulling again » fallsfall, posted by Daisym on October 15, 2007, at 15:10:04
Hi Daisy,
I'm late to this thread, so I hope that's ok. I am feeling soooo many of the things you are, and it is so hard. We've been talking a lot lately about why I get scared he's going to leave and I was convinced on Friday that I had done it - that he finally hated me. Of course he doesn't, but I can't seem to believe that deep in the core of me. He was trying to help me practice some techniques to calm down on Friday, and I just kept getting more and more upset, and almost clinging to the upset. I wouldn't even try a lot of the techniques, I wanted soothing from him so bad, but I didn't know at the time that was what it was, I just knew I felt awful.
That was probably the third session in a row I've been in tears the whole time, and the other times he was much more soothing. But I talked to him after the session on Friday because I was convinced he hated me and that I had done bad in the session because I wouldn't try some of the things. It amazed me and was hard for me to believe, but he said it was good I expressed my feelings and let them come out so he could see how bad they got sometimes. And that I didn't need to ask permission to feel however I felt, and that he wasn't going to leave. And I kept pressing him on that, asking it over and over in different ways because I was so scared, and finally he said, "I just don't know how to tell you, sunnydays, but you're fine. You're ok." Of course that freaked me out that he was frustrated with me, but I didn't tell him that.
Then Friday night I got really upset again. I said "Say something," in session and he just said, "How would that help? Why don't you say something?" And that just tore me apart. I emailed him about it, but he didn't answer that particular email (I send him so many that he reads them but doesn't answer most of them). And then Friday night just memories and everything were overwhelming me and I called his voicemail at 2am and just left this long message, crying. I thought of calling the on-call person, but I just didn't think I could handle it if they didn't understand.
So he called Saturday morning, but I was asleep and didn't hear the phone. So he left a message, and I called him back when I got the message because he said to. He told me when we connected that I scared him and that if I hadn't called back in a few hours he would have called Security and had them come check on me to make sure I was ok. I wasn't suicidal, just really upset and crying so hard apparently that he couldn't understand most of my message.
So, sorry this ended up being all about me, but sometimes it helps me to hear others' experiences. I definitely understand the deep abandonment fears. If you figure out the secret to taming them, Daisy, you'll share it, won't you?
sunnydays
poster:sunnydays
thread:788749
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071009/msgs/789413.html