Posted by Daisym on October 15, 2007, at 15:04:06
In reply to Re: Pushing and Pulling again » DAisym, posted by RealMe on October 12, 2007, at 21:19:25
*****Well a couple of thoughts. If you abandon him first, then he can't abandon you.
Yes - totally. And I've had some big losses this past month so of course I think he is next. He said I'm projecting, but I can't help it.
*****The other is one I struggle with; I get angry and push my T away as I am scared of the closeness. I could get really hurt.
My therapist points this out often. He notes when we have a very close session, I withdraw for awhile. He calls it "getting in your own way." He has to remind me sometimes that I do much better - I function better - when I allow myself to feel his caring and our connection. It is too late to prevent the hurt - but I still pull back anyway.
*****Today my T noted that I haven't been angry with him lately, and I agreed and said I am more sad now. He wonders if I am more comfortable with him, and I said yes, and so now I am more in touch with the sadness and loneliness of when I was younger and later too.
I bounce between the sadness and the anxiety. The anger flares up - and my therapist really wants me to work with it and bring it into sessions. I know there is this belief that anger is masking a fear or hurt -but sometimes sadness masks the anger. Because it is more acceptable to be sad than angry. People want you to get over your anger and either "forgive" or "get past it." I hate being angry but sometimes it is just there. I'm really lonely a lot of the time and sometimes this converts to anger as well.
******Here is something my T said to me today that sort of fits. He knows the pushing away is not gone for good. I know it too. When I was in therapy years ago, I tjhere was the push and pull. Now I just push when I get scare, and when I am there with him, I am sad. So what the hell, pushing awsy sometimes is eaier, but as you know, afterwards you feel like sh*t for cutting off your nose to spite your face. T will understand as you know.
He seems to expect it and understand better than I do. I want to get to an accepting place and stay there. I hate that feelings are fluid, even good ones. I'm really glad you've been able to let your therapist move closer to you and share more of your feelings. I guess we are pretty hard on them, aren't we?
poster:Daisym
thread:788749
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071009/msgs/789399.html