Posted by Fallsfall on February 6, 2007, at 9:27:17
In reply to I feel upset, I'm manipulative, posted by Deneb on February 6, 2007, at 0:55:57
To me, statements or actions are manipulative if they force someone to do something. So that the person's response is not really a choice that person is making. If you stop being manipulative, the person can still respond the same way, but their response becomes something that they choose to do, rather than something that they feel that they have no choice but to do.
I have a friend who went to the hospital frequently, and I was usually the person who took her there. Sometimes she was manipulative and sometimes she was not.
She was manipulative when she said "I'm going to go home and get drunk because my life isn't worth living". She was on psych meds and shouldn't be drinking, she also knew that her getting drunk was something that I wouldn't tolerate - and her drinking became a kind of shorthand for us. If she talked about drinking she was slipping down the slope. When she told me she was going to go get drunk, she wasn't asking me to do anything. She was simply telling me what her plans were. But she KNEW that I WOULD take action (either talk to her until she felt better, or take her alcohol away, or take her to the hospital) when she said that. So she was counting on the fact that I loved her to make me take some particular action.
There were other times when she would say "Falls, I'm really miserable and I need a friend". When she said that, I would talk to her, and help her decide if she needed to go to the hospital. But this was completely different from the other times because she was ASKING for what she needed. She was identifying what would help her and asking for the help.
When she was manipulative it was like a game: what could she say to make me do whatever it was that she wanted? What buttons could she push to make me figure out what she needed?
I guess for me, the difference is whether she tricked me into doing what she wanted, or if she asked me to do what she wanted. Either way, she got what she wanted. But when she was manipulative I had no control over my actions. When she asked me, I was more than willing to do the same things.
So I guess that I would advise you to try to figure out what you hope people's reactions will be. If you say you want to kill yourself, then what is it that you want someone else to do? I used to do this by fantasizing about what would happen if I *did* do the thing - what reaction would I want other people to have? What could they do that would make me feel better. This can be really hard to figure out - and a therapist is a good person to help you with this. Once you figure out what you want people to do, then just ask them to do that. Say "I want someone to tell me that they care enough about me to stay up all night with me". or "I want someone to think about me every day". or "I want someone to understand how much I'm hurting right now", or whatever it is. Once you identify what it is that you need, you have a much better chance of getting it. Or if it is something that is impossible, at least you know what it is that you need, and can try to figure out a different way to get it.
I used to pick at my arm when I was distressed. I wanted people to recognize how bad things were for me. Eventually, I figured out that when I started picking at my arm, that I was upset about something. So I could start to figure out what it was that I was upset about, and I could start to do something to make that thing less upsetting. I learned to feel the urge to pick and make a conscious decision to talk to my therapist until I could figure out what was bothering me. I learned to ask for help instead of picking. And things are a LOT easier now. I still feel like picking sometimes, but when I do, I stop and say "OK. What is bothering me?" Once I figure out what is bothering me, I don't feel the need to pick anymore.
Good luck, Deneb.
((((Deneb))))
poster:Fallsfall
thread:730248
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070203/msgs/730308.html