Posted by Deneb on February 6, 2007, at 2:04:12
In reply to I feel upset, I'm manipulative, posted by Deneb on February 6, 2007, at 0:55:57
I can't sleep. I'm still upset. I don't know what to think anymore. My whole being, my whole personality is bad. I feel like life is not worth living anymore, but it's manipulative for me to write that.
I'm lonely. I feel like I have no friends right now. I just want to be nothing right now, not even a ghost, nothing. I want to be nothing. I don't want to upset others anymore. They way I do things, express myself, upsets others. There is something wrong with *me*. My soul is flawed.
I feel like I should kill myself because the way I am only hurts people. I don't want to hurt people anymore. It's better if I wasn't here. I need to stop being selfish. I need to think about others. The world is better off without me. Someone told me I only cause trouble on Babble. I don't mean to, but it's true. Babble has changed for the worse because of me.
I'm being manipulative even as I write this by writing about killing myself. I don't know what to do. I'm sorry I'm the way I am.
(after a while)
I'm OK. I'm not going to kill myself. I'm a big wimp. I'm afraid of dying. I have a feeling killing myself is manipulative. Also it won't make things better. People will feel upset if I kill myself. I don't want people to be upset. But, people are upset by me living. I don't know which is the lesser evil. Will I hurt people more by living and being manipulative or dying? Somehow I think I will hurt people less by dying. If I die, people will be very upset for a while, but they will get over it. If I live I will continue to be manipulative and upset others, over and over again for years and years.
My life is ruined, why shouldn't I kill myself? To see Bob again? I'm selfish. I don't want to die right now. I want to live and hurt others over and over again by being alive. I should probably die if I want to do the right thing and make the world a better place.
I wish I didn't have parents right now. If I kill myself my Mom would be extremely upset. If I didn't have family right now I think I just might kill myself. I can't bare to think how upset my Mom would be. If my Mom died I could probably kill myself.
It's so strange...I'm terrified of dying from disease, but not from suicide. Am I afraid of death or what?
I don't want to live right now. I don't want to kill myself, I just don't want to live right now. I wish I could kill myself.
I'm confused. I make contradictions. I feel a little better now. I get too upset. My emotions explode.
No, I don't want to live right now. Don't want to die, but don't want to live. Can't kill self cuz Mom will be super upset if I died. Can I just pretend that my Mom wouldn't be upset?
It's almost 3 pm right now. I don't want to go to sleep. I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. I feel like I should kill myself because that's the right thing to do and I don't want to live anymore. I can't face life. I can't face it.
I'm a horrible person. I'm being manipulative by writing I don't want to live. I don't deserve to live. I wish I could die. I wish people wouldn't be upset by my death. I don't want to upset people. I think the way I want to die is fairly painless. Will I kill myself? Who knows? I don't know.
Ok, I feel a little better now. I probably won't kill myself anytime soon.
Deneb*
poster:Deneb
thread:730248
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070203/msgs/730254.html