Posted by Daisym on January 27, 2007, at 0:10:51
I can't believe what stupid things people say sometimes.
I'm really trying to keep myself safe. Really, I am. So I called a friend to go spend time with, thinking it would be better than being home alone. And she is a good enough friend to tell most of my crud to, including how bad I've been feeling, even the suicidal feelings. She doesn't know all of it, some of it I can't tell her. But she knows enough. So what did she say?
"I think therapy is making you a thousand times worse. You need to stop going, stop thinking about the past and stop over-analyzing everything." She went on to say that she thinks my therapist is wrong to encourage such a deep connection to him, because it is only hurtful and keeps me coming when it isn't doing me any good.
I literally stopped eating and had my mouth open. I asked her what I had said that made her arrive at such a conclusion. I mean, I know we've always disagreed about the frequency of my therapy, she thinks it is way too much. But to stop, right now? Right now when I feel like jumping off the nearest bridge? She said I always make my therapy and therapist sound helpful, but she sees the "evidence" as otherwise. And she asked, completely sincerely, "what could you possibly talk about everyday? I didn't have that much to say even once per week." She went on to tell me how helpful her own therapist is/was because she was "tough" and told her exactly what to do and how to solve specific problems. And then she said, "I don't want to hurt you but have you ever thought that your therapist might not really want you to be this attached to him? Maybe you only think he is OK with your intense feelings, maybe he isn't encouraging your connection, perhaps you are just thinking he is. If I were a therapist, I think I'd get sick of people needing me all the time. I think you should be prepared when he finally tells you enough is enough."
I actually started to cry, right there in the restaurant. Part of me knows she is completely wrong and part of me believed her. I don't know what to do now, I don't know who to hang on to. How do you know when enough is enough? I'm certainly not an easy therapy client... I left and came home and have been crying for the last hour. I feel like a little girl again, I'm so confused and lost. I don't know how to save myself and I don't know who to trust or believe.
These are old, old feelings. But even though I recognize them as old, they still hurt. I'm definitely spending the weekend in my closet.
poster:Daisym
thread:726973
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070119/msgs/726973.html