Posted by ElaineM on September 22, 2006, at 17:00:13
In reply to Re: Sunny, LL » ElaineM, posted by Lindenblüte on September 22, 2006, at 8:16:53
>>>>your T is not letting you take your time. He needs to give you space. You are going through a lot right now.
I do always need more time than a normal person. But I think he gets frustrated cause I don't really have any will or drive and so I stagnate in life. I don't do anything. But with the gravesite, I did want to mention it to my sister first. She may want to go, and I think that would be more appropriate. My brother didn't even know they existed until a few weeks ago. He was born after them and no one ever mentioned the girls. I think that's why my parents love him and hate my sis and I. The good girls died and the rude, ugly, crazy ones lived. My brother almost died when he was born, so that, being The Boy! and also the last child, is probably why they can love him.
>>>>>I just feel like a completely different person- like I have lost some core aspect of my reality. And like the truth is some giant sea monster that is wrestling with all of the lies I've been telling myself since I was a wee one.
I put away that piece of me. I've never dealt with anything but eating and body image in therapy (except a few brief mentionings of the danger subject with LadyT) I bought myself a book on it, maybe five or six years ago, I skimmed through it once and then hid it away. [I must find your thread where you mention buying a book....]
But the anorexia happened and ever since, anything to do with past was pushed aside. Only the things that immediately effected the present, and my being able to feed myself, were relevant.>>>>>you love them. enough said. just feel it. don't question how, or why. just feel it- the positive feeling, the trust, the warmth, the hug they give you inside when you think of them.
I'm pretty sure I loved them. I just don't really have positive emotions, and so I worry that I could get things confused. But,....No I must have loved them, and they are the only people in all my years of living who I would say that about. If you were weak in my home you got made fun of or attacked, so I only learned to say "I love you" to them when I was in my second treatment program. Even though they meant the world to me, I just couldn't say it. It felt like if I said it, someone would kick me or something. But I did. I even taught my sister too. It took her longer -- she's worse than me. I'm so grateful that I was able to learn how to say it before everybody started dying. And they were the only people who we could touch until we got into late-teens. Yes, I love them and I don't care if I could be making it up or confusing it with something else. I Know I am only alive today because of them.
(((((((grandparents)))))))Thanks (((Li)))
poster:ElaineM
thread:687876
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/688233.html