Posted by ElaineM on September 21, 2006, at 18:42:34
In reply to (((((((((((EL))))))))))) » ElaineM, posted by muffled on September 21, 2006, at 15:54:00
I emailed two of the crisis places that CC gave me. Only one responded and they emailed me back saying that I need to call and leave my name and number, and go through the process to speak to someone in person. I'm afraid of using the phone. It sounds really stupid but I've always been like that. Plus it's like the computer but worse, cause there is no time-delay. I can't see people and so my head doesn't monitor what I'm saying. I'm not in the moment enough -- or maybe too much. And I don't like not being able to see someone infront of me when I'm speaking to them. I need to see faces so I can tell if they are laughing at me, or rolling their eyes, or starting to get angry. And I'm just soooo afraid and feel so bad about opening my mouth anymore. It is too scary. Plus, I don't think it would help. I don't know why I speak at all. It's just a reflex action to desperation. I blab to CC, or email a crisis place, because...what else is there to do?!! :'( Nothing they say will fix my life. These SOS emails (over the last two days) were the best I could do. It is too humiliating to speak to someone again. Again, when my words and my life don't mean anything to them - cannot resonate inside them. I don't know what I'd be asking of them. I don't know what I'm asking from you. :(
Hospital.....I hate wandering around at another big hospital I don't know. I am done with hospitals. I don't care if more is wrong with me. I can't do it. I can't. no. I had to help with palliative care for two family members last year, and I can't stand those kind of buildings anymore. On Sunday when I was waiting in the gowned waiting area, they wheeled someone on a respirator and monitor into the hall (cause criticals get priority) and I had to wait staring at the person and the attendants for like twenty minutes. I started having a panic attack and crying. I can't take hearing those beeps and whoosh noises anymore. It took me months each time to get them out of my head before. I STILL hear them sometimes now. I stopped the tears pretty fast incase they were making me look ugly, cause I wanted to make sure the techinician would be patient with me. She was nice.
Then I had to start with the other "new" medical issue. More lab work, another referral....no relief! I HATE MY BODY! This latest addition is not really a "new" issue at all (and not the other thing I've been more secretive about). It is part of the fallout of my stupid f-ing anorexia, in a roundabout way. The "good part" of it has left, and I get to carry around its physical "scars" (and there are a view) and be coated in stigma while doing it. But even when I put aside the medical stuff, I've spent my twenties in hospital settings with people trying to fix the psychological mess in my head - or at least the part that forced itself to manifest physically. But if anything it only f-ed me up more. I have been stupid to paint it a rosy picture. So stupid.
You should have heard what he said of it!!! If he is right then I have been a fool :'(I can't take anymore. It is toooo much at once. I don't know what to do about anything. I don't want to think or move. I feel like I'm paralyzed. I just really don't want to exist anymore. There is no goodness in my world at all. I am alone and broken.
I'm sorry for oozing all over here. You are good. And thank you for listening at least. Sorry for ranting, or whatever I just did. I'm trying to hold on, but it is not fair for me to grasp so frantically here. I just can't manage anything else. I'm really sorry.EL
(((((((muffled)))))))) Thank you for hugs.
poster:ElaineM
thread:687876
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/687968.html