Posted by caraher on September 22, 2006, at 13:25:17
In reply to T stuff, knowing what you feel?***triggers » Poet, posted by ElaineM on September 21, 2006, at 22:39:50
> He asked me to explain that, if I don't show him love because I "don't know what love is", then how do I know I loved my grandparents. I couldn't answer! I don't know how to explain it. I just knew in my heart that I loved them. But maybe I didn't cause I can't explain it properly.
((((El)))) T is twisting your brain in knots because he wants YOU to meet HIS emotional needs. He wants you to love him, or declare your love for him. (I wonder if he's really more interested in the latter...) He is probably right to imply that your "not knowing what love is" probably is not the true story, or entire story, of why you don't "show him love" (at least not the way he'd like you to). There's no reason at all to doubt that you loved your grandparents. And remember, being able to generate a verbal description of love is scarcely required in order to love, or to know whether or not you loved someone! So his challenge isn't really to whether you have loved, so much as it is a challenge to your explanation of why you don't do whatever it is he wants to see as a sign of love from you.
And that's something he has no right to demand of you in the first place. He is placing his own emotional needs ahead of yours, and that's simply wrong.
If you do want to answer why you don't "show him love," what might be a more true response? Because you don't love him? Because you may "love" him, but only as one loves a caretaker? Or only as one loves a good friend? Or is the issue the expression of love... are you inhibited by fear? By not wanting to mislead him? By wanting to maintain whatever shreds of a therapeutic relationship you can?
Whatever love is, it is not something that you owe him, and still less something that he can demand that you demonstrate to him. Did you love your grandparents because you asked them to love you? Because you asked them to show their love for you? Or was it something freely given, freely exchanged?
Keep talking to us. We won't be infected, and we're happy to listen. (((El)))
poster:caraher
thread:687876
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/688177.html