Posted by ElaineM on September 21, 2006, at 22:39:50
In reply to Re: Help places, Sunday, etc ***triggers » ElaineM, posted by Poet on September 21, 2006, at 21:25:12
>>>>>Just keep the pain coming out. Don't keep it in.
Poet, I'm not used to hearing people say that. :') Thankyou. It's pretty scary. Except LadyDoc and CC, nobody can stand listening. T does one thing when I'm upset. And treatment places were very quick to put you on (their version of) suicide watch whenever you got too emotional. Cyperhugs back for sharing about the phone too.
I know I'm going to make him look bad but I got another long printout from T. Was upset I had told him that i need time to think about going to the gravesite. Even just by itself, it's alot to take in -- I never thought I'd ever get the opportunity before. He said I was blowing him off and it felt hurtful. Says I say I want things and then always back out. He said he really wants to go with me cause it sounded like an easy outing we could do together -- just walking and spending time with each other and whatnot. I said it wasn't so simple. Watching me cry at a cemetary is not the same as a movie. Wanting to be with me if it was hard is one thing, but it just sounded a little different than that. I said that and a thousand "sorry's". Started crying. He said that because I have such a limited, empty life (and because I've said everything I know how to say these past five months since I've actually begun talking outloud - I used to be silent), that because i won't solve all the silences in our sessions, that because I don't write a journal anymore and read it out to him, that he can't see sessions lasting for very much longer if something is not done. Said that if I can't speak enough, I need to *do* things, so we can have stuff to talk about more. He's frustrated that I'm afraid to go have drinks or dinner or theater. And because I said I really can't drink wine now cause all the cr@p going on in my mouth already makes my head want to burst. I tried it alone, and I just can't tolerate it now. I'M AFRAID though. I told him, I'm not normal, I can't BE normal, or understand normal. I told him I don't LIKE or WANT to do anything. Not just with him. I don't like stuff. I don't enjoy things. I don't have hobbies. Nothing in the world interests me. I can't get through novels (except when in school). I don't care about tv shows. I barely like music (though if I had to say I like something, it may be that). I am not alive like how others are. He asked how Scott got me to do things, or my sister, or when I had friends. I said fear. Fear of some version of punishment. Or fear of being left alone if I'm displeasing. He said, Thankyou for letting me know how you need me to act. Though he did say he will never ever be violent -- just more in-charge. He asked me why I come to meetings if I don't "want" to. I said because no one else listens to me - I don't speak outloud to anyone else. I said I'm too afraid NOT to come, and only be alone, and that he's the only one who would notice if I died. And he said, You know what, being not afraid to come here IS a way of showing me love. I guess. And then he smiled cause he was happy. He said, I know you've said that you only want to please people, and though you never follow through, I still believe you.
He just wants to spend time outside the office now. He says he is too sad when I'm away from him. He says he love's me a bunch of times every session. Not as a declaration but when explaining things, like, "....you know, because I love you." He asked me to explain that, if I don't show him love because I "don't know what love is", then how do I know I loved my grandparents. I couldn't answer! I don't know how to explain it. I just knew in my heart that I loved them. But maybe I didn't cause I can't explain it properly. Maybe it wasn't even love at all. How am I supposed to know? I don't know!! I don't know!!! How in the h*ll did I get a degree?! I'm a friggin moron. How did I write papers when I can't even know what I feel inside!!!
....there's more but I need a break.
Thank you so much for listening.
poster:ElaineM
thread:687876
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/688046.html