Posted by Lindenblüte on September 22, 2006, at 8:16:53
In reply to Sunny, LL, posted by ElaineM on September 21, 2006, at 23:19:54
Elaine,
your T is not letting you take your time. He needs to give you space. You are going through a lot right now. He is way too impatient with you. It takes a lot of time to get adjusted to even "minor" things (in another's mind) when they are actually "major" things to us.For instance, between this week and last week, NOTHING has changed in my day to day lifestyle. Okay, my husband came to visit for 6 days, but I still went to work everyday, and to the office, and to my appointments, and got my coffee in the morning etc etc.
I just feel like a completely different person- like I have lost some core aspect of my reality. And like the truth is some giant sea monster that is wrestling with all of the lies I've been telling myself since I was a wee one. I am so affected by this inner struggle that my life seems like a nightmare, and yet-- when someone asks me how my meeting went yesterday I think? huh? meeting? that was aeons ago. I've lost my sense of time and rhythm. I just want to be able to keep ticking along even though my mind is completely overpowered by internal conflict. Well, it's not realistic. We need to get to a stable place sometimes, before we can absorb any more information.
Please don't feel the need to censor your (civil) feelings on babble. Just let it all hang out! really. I think this is one place where we can take solace in the fact that "holding ourselves together" is often overrated.
You can write as long as you want. agonizing and all that stuff. just spill it, dump your feelings. I'm still not sure how you get this idea that you're infecting us? I think it's silly. If you tell us more about how you're feeling- even when it's not coherent, even when your feelings contradict eachother, even when you have to resort to metaphors (I use all kinds of dumb metaphors when I can't quite express the image and the connections in straight prose) etc etc. Just go for it. Seriously. make your posts 5000 words long if you feel it helps you. I bet you feel things that we've all felt to some degree or another before. Or maybe we'll feel them in the future, and you help prepare us? (you've helped me, really!)
About love- don't EVER let your T make you question how or if you loved your grandparents. They occupy a special place in your heart. If you cannot expand your heart to include love for T, it's incredibly arrogant of him to try to push your love for grandparents out of the way and elbow himself in. Very cruel.
you love them. enough said. just feel it. don't question how, or why. just feel it- the positive feeling, the trust, the warmth, the hug they give you inside when you think of them. If you don't love T, that's okay. It's not his job to force it, and it's not your job to try to. It happens or it doesn't. It doesn't make you or him a bad person for not loving. It just happens sometimes, and doesn't happen other times. I feel bad for his unrequited love, but ultimately, his actions display a very juvenile sense of love and entitlement to another person's love. I think that his issues are totally polluting your therapeutic relationship. I'm sorry that this is so nasty. But please don't let this therapeutic relationship make you obsess over the purity of love. It's there. ((((grandparents))))
-Li
poster:Lindenblüte
thread:687876
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/688123.html