Posted by llrrrpp on September 17, 2006, at 8:31:42
In reply to Re: I told my husband **child abuse trigger** » llrrrpp, posted by Daisym on September 17, 2006, at 0:33:27
> You did a very hard thing. You are very brave. I'm so glad your husband was able to hold you and let you tell your story. I'm amazed and jealous and impressed.
Thank you Daisy
> You are right - things won't ever be the same again. They might be worse for a little while and then they will be better. You are cleaning a wound, getting rid of the poisen. It can be painful and lonely and confusing. I hope you can let your therapist help you.
I can, and I will. Now that I'm starting to figure out why it's hard for me to be open, and particularly hard to be open to a man, who I perceive to have power over me-- I just want to start over again. Tell my story from the beginning.
> Go slow. Don't force things. If you get too flooded you can really cause yourself to have a break down. It isn't uncommon for old, suicidal feelings to resurface and this can mess with your mind. So be good to yourself and try to take breaks from thinking about it.I just want to get it out of my system. Today. Yesterday. I want to tell T everything. I want to tell PT how he triggered me, (even though he had no idea). or tell my guy buddy how a simple question: "what are you so afraid of?" made something "click" in my head. I just want to get it OUT.
But yes, you are right. It is dangerous and scary to overwhelm myself like this. Maybe I feel confident that I've got things figured out, but it's just the beginning. Even as I felt so relieved to tell my husband everything, I still broke down sobbing in bed, and asked him over and over again why he married me. And he had to rub my back until I fell asleep. I struggled with allowing myself to relax as he held me. I just wanted to hold onto the fear and the anxiety. It felt comfortable, somehow. I'm scared.
I woke up too early. I can't get my mind off of it. How little events are linked- how best to communicate these connections to my T. I feel like I'm trying to hold onto a 1200 page novel that I've memorized word for word. I'm scared that if I stop rehearsing it, I will forget it, and lose my chance to write down the most important story of my entire life.
I saw the sun rise. blush in the sky. tinting the buidlings a rosy color. Completely different from sunset. A different light. More ephemeral.
I know that if I don't take care of me that this insomnia will become very bad very quickly.
> I say all this from experience. I really do know how hard it is to give it a rest, or go slow. But it is better, really.
>
> Take care,
> DaisyThanks Daisy. Even if you didn't have experience, you write from a place of deep wisdom, and I sincerely thank you for helping me understand what is going on. I need to go slowly in my head, but go quickly in terms of getting T up to date with my current struggles. This is very difficult.
poster:llrrrpp
thread:686272
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/686751.html