Posted by llrrrpp on September 15, 2006, at 19:43:44
In reply to Trauma and forgetting? **trigger**, posted by llrrrpp on September 15, 2006, at 16:37:05
Well crap,
I got myself home okay, by thinking about facts and events and causes and reasons. By thinking like a psychologist, not like a person. I told myself- once I get home, and I'm safe, then I will let myself feel it. And I did- for just a moment or two. I was sick to my stomach, and I was sobbing. Then it just stopped. Back to being me again. Me? well whatever "this" is. The only way I can feel it is if I pretend that it happened to someone else. I work with children. If I pretend that this stuff happened to one of those kids. I'm physically ill. I *know* it happened to me, and it doesn't hurt a wink... well- every once in a while.
Anyways... I think I'll just stick to the stuff I remember for now. The trauma alluded to in the start of this thread may have never happened, but there's plenty of other material to work with. I might throw in a touch of what's in my medical record. I obtained a copy for my records when I went to grad school (maybe I was 21?). I re-read it about two hours ago. It makes me ill every time. I'm amazed that this stuff is just hiding in there. In between the MMR vaccines and the ear infections. Who would beat a little baby? Who would hit an 18 month-old for crying?
It's also frustrating because I'm so anti-Freud. To admit to myself that *maybe* my fear of being physically close to men- (I cannot remember ever hugging my dad until I was in my 20's) and my fear of showing them that I was weak [a.k.a. had feelings-- this was a good way for a woman in llrrrpp's house to invite physical violence]-- has some bearing on the current situation with T is paralysing.
Transference is by no means unique to llrrrpp-T relationship. I've always had problems feeling physically or emotionally safe with men. I had major anxiety this winter/spring when I started working with PT (who is a man). This is actually the acute stressor I believe incipiated my depression. It's been good to learn to trust PT. He's kind and funny, and he's not repulsed by me.
I guess it's a miracle that I'm married. I wonder if this fear of being close to men (and also having my own children) is what's making me stay away from my husband via lollygagging on my dissertation...
I've always been strongly triggered by domestic violence and strife. I think I was a pretty sensitive kid. Pretty anxious. I had a lot of fantasies of running away. I always had a plan of where I would go if the bad guys came. I spent most afternoons exploring the woods behind my house, and discovered a way to get into the drainage system beneath the streets, where I could hide when things got scary. I knew how to get out of my 2nd floor window when I was really young. I guess my parents must have thought I liked the outdoors or something.
I always thought I was a bad person for not trusting the father of the family who hosted me when I lived abroad for a year. He didn't have an explosive temper. He didn't do things that were cruel to me. He was so kind-- created extraordinary opportunities for me to enjoy. He treated me like one of his daughters.
I remember the first guy I felt comfortable with physically. I couldn't feel a shred of emotional closeness to him whatsoever. That was a pretty bizarre relationship. I'm so ashamed.
Or the first guy I admitted to being in love with. I wouldn't even want to be within 10 feet of him. I would mail him love letters, despite living in the same dorm and seeing him all the time. Profound shame and insecurity-- that one did not end so happily. Heartbreak all around.
Looking back at my medical records, I was really shocked to find that I gained 70 pounds and only 2 inches between the ages of 11 and 12. By the time I was 13, I weighed over 170 pounds. I think this was so that I wouldn't have to have a boyfriend. ever. I resent my mom for not noticing these changes, or trying to stop it. For not standing up for herself, and divorcing dad. For not protecting me from my older brother, who grew up modelling the gender dynamic in the household. For teaching me the wrong way to fight back- with lies and deception and little tricks behind the scenes. For teaching me to hurt myself when the going go rough.
I know that there are many children who suffer a lot more than I did. I used to tell myself that one a lot. It's okay- your parents still let you play violin. It's okay- your dad takes you shopping and indulges you. It's okay- your family still eats dinner together when Mom's not working in the evenings. It's okay- your family still takes vacations together... etc.
Or the big lie: It's okay, because you're the "normal" kid in the family. The only one who never tried to kill themselves. The only one who never had to see a psychologist. As long as you can still smile (I'm DAMN good at laughing!) you *made it!* You are now grown up, self-sufficient, have a fantastic education and a wonderful husband. The world is your oyster. All's well that ends well!
Maybe it's not okay anymore.
And now, I have to face T, who's maybe a little younger than my dad, completely unlike him in terms of the way he thinks, looks or acts-- but still threatening, somehow. Maybe it's time I told him about these things.
Yeah, Happyflower. It's pretty heavy. I'm still trying to figure it out, but it's making more and more sense to me all the time.
I just need to know that T is going to be the second man I have ever completely trusted with my feelings in my entire life. It's a lot to ask of me, or him.
But I am feeling better about it. Babble is a good place to practice. (((Babble))). I've got some social plans this weekend, and so I'm going to turn off the heavy stuff for a couple more days. I've sprung a leak, but the emotional dam will have to hold a few more days. Then I'll be with T.
Can I have an ice-cream now (weak smile?)
-l.lapiderrroodyroodyrexlapexlapooOh yeah, and can I tell you all (well, all who managed to make it this far!!) that your stories and your questions and your musings have made me think harder about my own life. Your posts have made me feel emotions I didn't know I had anymore, and your support made me feel safe enough to start to put the pieces together. Thanks. Sincerely.
poster:llrrrpp
thread:686272
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/686349.html