Posted by finelinebob on September 15, 2006, at 20:59:46
In reply to Re: Trauma and forgetting? **trigger**, posted by happyflower on September 15, 2006, at 18:16:01
I've mentioned this elsewhere,so sorry if this is a repeat for you. After a long time in therapy (and yes, also being very anti-Freudian) I came do decide I've been through four phases of therapy.
Wnat I needed to talk about. I sought out therapy because I had an immediate need. That's what we addressed. Exploring it further just opened doors to other past experiences, so...
What I wanted to talk about. I guess this is where all the trust building really began in earnest. Opening up about my entire life, the hurts, the dead dreams, the occasional joys, the long progression of it through time. And as I began to piece individual events together into aspects of certain beliefs with even perhaps a particular triggering event...
What I did **NOT** want to talk about. This could get really scary at times. I'd spend 45minutes with lockjaw, trying to force my mouth open, squeezing the air out of my lungs, anything I could do not to speak. The Beast really did NOT want to be revealed and brought out into the light. When I could get something out, I had the bizarre feeling of intense anger and hatred towards myself as well as supreme satisfaction of being able to express it. Enough of this peeling back the layers and layers of lies and camoflage, I found ...
What my (subconcious) mind would not even let me realize had happened to me. These experiences were and are extremely freaky when they happen, and the anger they can generate is overwhelming. But it passes, because I've built strength progressing through each level.
One example. I had always thought I had forgiven myself for the things I had done to myself and my role in my quitely dysfunctional family. I've also always been a big believer in Free Will and, as a consequence, G-d staying out of our individual lives to allow us to choose our path to the degree we can. I do not believe in G-d's "omnipotence". No Deus ex Machina for me. After a particularly upsetting "phase 4" session, I had my iPod on in the subway, trying to find something to soothe me. Instead I got Kate Bush and "Running Up That Hill"". When she sang, "and if I only could I'd make a deal with G-d and I'd get him to swap our places" ... well, she sings about the power it would give her. For me, I saw the reverse. And I saw that were G-d in my place throughout my life, G-d wouldn't have been able to do any better than I did. Realizing that, I could truly begin to forgive myself, and doing so was one of the most painful things I had ever done. But it was worth every pain.
poster:finelinebob
thread:686272
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/686377.html