Posted by antigua on September 15, 2006, at 21:49:46
In reply to Trauma and forgetting? **trigger**, posted by llrrrpp on September 15, 2006, at 16:37:05
It all sounds so familiar. I used to play in the woods just to get away. I had escape routes planned and I now know that my fantasy was to be rescued, and why didn't anyone care enough about me to see that I needed rescuing? So, to survive, I split myself into two different people, and left that poor, tortured wounded girl to live inside me, influence my life and hurt me over and over again, because I didn't know what was there. But, it's what I had to do to survive. I couldn't cope with the ambivalence about how I felt about the people in my life...
My sister became promiscuous, I stayed as far away from men as I could. I married a man 180 degrees different from my father (or so I thought). I got my Master's and worked my way up in my field. It started to crash when I had my first child. There was too much triggering going on, with the baby around. Sixteen years later, here I am, still struggling to figure everything out, but I accept it more now. There are some things I will never know and I'm o.k. with that now. But I do take that time, now, to step back and admire the life I've created--I'm proud of my kids and I know I will do good work again.
But I want me back. It won't be the same me, there are new roads to travel when I'm stronger, but we all see it happen over and over again. We can only carry this burden so long,using our outdated coping mechanisms until we start to crumble. We are building new selves, and I swear, even if takes me to the end, I will relish every single day I have with the new me.
It's heartbreaking for all of us, and I can't tell you how much inspiration and hope you all give me every day. Just knowing I'm not alone helps so much.
love to all,
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:686272
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/686394.html