Posted by Tamar on July 7, 2006, at 15:30:56
In reply to child abuse - *warning* giving up?, posted by frida on July 7, 2006, at 13:43:28
Hi Frida
> I am really struggling in T with a wonderful T to tell her about the abuse I suffered at the hands of my father. But I can't talk freely, and I can't express feelings while I am there or tell from my heart.
Aren’t you being rather hard on yourself? I haven’t heard of anyone who finds it easy to talk freely about their experience of child abuse. It’s not easy to say anything at all, let alone talk freely.
> If I talk, I talk as if I were dead (and she has noticed this)
I talk in a similar way sometimes. I sometimes find I can’t talk unless I separate the facts of what happened from my feelings about it. So I can speak the facts without feeling the feelings. To do both at once feels really dangerous.
> and if not, she does see how much I am trying to control tears and I can't let go and cry as much as I need to.
It’s very hard for some people to cry in therapy. It takes a huge amount of trust to be able to let yourself go that much. And people who have been abused can remain profoundly wary of others for a very long time. So even though I’m sure you trust her, your experience is probably keeping you from letting it all out at the moment.
> I've been looking all my life for this kind of relief- To share this, to break the silence. And I can't.
Well, I think it’s wonderful that you have found someone you want to share this with. It can be a very slow process. But if she’s the one, the wait is worthwhile.
> I don't know what to do. She now tells me that she won't abandon me and will wait for me till I am ready. But that she is concerned about my level of pain right now and how hard it is to function.
That’s a very real concern. And aiming to lessen the pain is really important.
> I feel so much urgency to tell her that this is present in me and I have flashbacks and it makes me cry during the week and I am having difficulties at work and everywhere.
> She tells me that maybe I am not talking because I am so scared of losing control (more)That makes a lot of sense. I also wonder if you’re afraid that you need to do something to save yourself as soon as possible. I can imagine you still feel you’re in danger from the abuse even after many years – especially if you’re having flashbacks.
> If I think about it there is nothing I want more than let her see my pain and cry and tell her some of what I have never told anyone.
(((((Frida))))) I’m sorry it’s so painful.
> I have tried writing, drawing, but this doesn't bring me the relief I am desperately needing. I am needing to stop crying all by myself, and tell her what happened.
> But I can't do it.Yet. You can’t do it *yet*. You are in the process of doing some very important preparatory work. I can imagine you might feel as if you’re not succeeding in doing the work you need to do, but actually the process of getting to feel completely safe is essential if you’re going to gain anything from telling her. And that can take time.
> Is there hope?
Absolutely. The work you’re doing now is very much what you need to be doing. You need to establish as much safety as you possibly can. And it sounds as if she’s helping with that. She’s telling you she won’t abandon you. She’s not rushing you. And she’s genuinely concerned about your pain. These are all very important things, and you need to be able to assimilate them as much as possible before you can begin to say the terrible things out loud in her presence.
But you will get there.
When I want to talk about things I find difficult I sometimes pick just one very small part of it. Usually one of the parts that doesn’t feel too completely awful. And I try to think of one way of talking about that one little thing. And when I get a sensitive response from my therapist it gives me the courage to say one more thing. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to tell him everything all at once. And even after talking about something, I sometimes need to come back to it. I don’t know if the same thing would work for you.
You mentioned that you wanted relief. Can you get any relief from knowing that your therapist is there with you on your journey and will be ready to help you through each stage? It’s a terribly difficult journey, but having her company will give you enough support to get you through it.
You can do it. Don’t give up.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:664899
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060703/msgs/664929.html