Posted by Karolina on June 20, 2006, at 18:15:23
I barely got any sleep last night, because all of the sudden I had this sickening thought/fantasized scenario-thing that the next time I see my T, instead of us trying to talk about my feelings for him, that he’s made a referral for me to go to a woman T and asking me to sign some sort of document so that he could have my permission to talk to her further about my issues with him...it’s like I could already see it happening. I felt physically sick. I’ve never self-injured but last night while I was tossing and turning and thinking about all this, I was really tempted to do it.
I worry he’ll refer me elsewhere because he’s seen me for 2 years already and primarily sees adolescents, so I really doubt he has much experience in dealing with a client’s attraction to him. even though we had already kind of talked about it before, I went more into detail this time about how I felt. Would it be wrong for him to terminate therapy with me over this? If he did...I think I would feel devastated, it would probably make me feel suicidal.
And even if it’s true that the attraction is mutual, couldn’t work still be accomplished despite our feelings for each other? It’s not like I’ve ever, ever tried to physically come on to him before. This whole thing is so hard to explain. I’d write more in detail about it but I’m seriously scared he’ll find out I wrote this stuff. I just feel so alone in my life right now. he’s really the only person I have, to talk to about my issues. no one else is there for me. I really do think I’ll threaten suicide if he tries to terminate me. Because I just feel sick. I don't have anybody else to help me. If he does this to me, there's no one left.
I’m sorry I have been posting so much lately. I might need to take a break soon, I feel bad like I’m not being responsive enough to everybody else or that I'm coming across as a hypocrite (when responding to ElaineM’s post) but I really only mean well. But maybe my thinking is so distorted right now I’m only making things worse for everyone. Everyone here, everyone I deal with in my life. I don’t know what to do anymore.
-Karolina-
poster:Karolina
thread:659383
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060615/msgs/659383.html