Posted by Karolina on June 21, 2006, at 23:19:32
In reply to i feel sick, posted by Karolina on June 20, 2006, at 18:15:23
Hi everyone.
I appreciate all the feedback, understanding, and support. I'm really sorry if the way I phrased how I was feeling sounded over-dramatic and manipulative. I completely understand that suicide is a serious thing, and I wasn't throwing the word around casually when I said all that.
I am in a lot of mental pain right now that no one else really knows about. It's like I'm able to keep it hidden from the outside world, but on the inside I feel very alone and empty, I don't even really know why except that I've been upset about my boyfriend, I've gotten into a fight with my best friend, my parents are always traveling and never home, etc.
My T means so much to me and what I meant is that if he told me we had to terminate, I would be devastated. If my T rejected me, then I would feel even more alone. I wouldn't say something like 'i'm going to kill myself and it's going to be because of YOU, it's going to be all YOUR fault'...I would probably just try my best to explain that hearing him bring up the idea about termination really, really upsets me and that I feel like I would have an extremely hard time coping with it, and that it provokes thoughts of harming myself because I am so mad at myself.
I can't even describe the hurt I would feel if he told me not come back and referred me somewhere else. The idea of having to start all over again (explaining my history of issues and stuff) and learning to trust somebody totally new really seems overwhelming and frustrating. Especially since I am already in such a distressed state right now with other things going on.
I was thinking about it though and I really don't know that he would just outright admit that he is attracted to me and say that's why things have to stop. But I still dont' even know if he is or not. And if he isn't, then the whole topic of me feeling attracted to him shouldn't even bother him personally or make him feel tempted for something to happen, etc.
He seems too worried about his repuation to possibly admit that he is attracted to a 20 year old female client when he's married and has a son the exact same age as me. I think he would worry (if he said the attraction was the reason why we were quitting things) that I would get mad and go tell everyone I know that he's a pervert, which would hurt his practice. (he's pretty well-known in the city). And for him to say something as vague as 'i don't think I'm helping you anymore' would be crap because he agreed to continue working with me after the whole mess of having to come home from my internship. I've written about that in other posts I think, about how he had been encouraging the idea of seeing an eating disorder specialist and was kind of a jerk about it, but then decided at last minute he could still help me. So basically what I'm trying to say is that he couldn't use that excuse again of not thinking he's helpful, after he just reassured me that he *could* help me...sorry I know all that is kind of confusing.
Maybe I am just over-worrying about everything. But I'm so scared of getting hurt right now. I don't think it would be fair for him to punish me like that when I am only expressing feelings, especially when we have kind of talked about this stuff before. But it makes me sick, I could have kept the feelings to myself and let the therapy keep going, but now I've risked ruining things. I guess that's why I feel mad at myself.
-Karolina-
poster:Karolina
thread:659383
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060615/msgs/660010.html