Posted by Tamar on June 16, 2006, at 15:33:48
In reply to Re: can professionals keep this a secret? » Tamar, posted by ElaineM on June 16, 2006, at 15:05:41
> Thank you so much for being concerned, though I do think I should point out again that he is really very kind and gentle. I don't think he's a predator. He said he's never done this before, and that this is better for me. Better therapy.
I’m glad that in your experience he is kind and gentle. I’m sure that feels very good.
I wonder if he could back up his claim that this is better therapy for you with any research… I am not aware of any research that suggests that clients benefit from a close personal relationship with their therapist. Of course, I haven’t read everything, but if he’s using a model of practice that involves a close personal relationship with you, he should have some evidence for the usefulness of that approach with clients with your diagnosis/difficulties. And I doubt he can come up with such evidence.I was a bit worried when you said you do some office work for him. I have heard many stories of women doing their therapists’ office work – unpaid of course. It’s a surprisingly common part of the breaking of the boundaries. Is he paying you a decent wage for the work you do for him?
> And I know he'd never force me physically, ever. It's just that if he asked, I don't think I could say no. (But that's just me and my dysfunctions)
So although he wouldn’t use violence, he still has the power to coerce you. Do you think it would be better for you to say no? If so, how can you keep yourself safe with him? You need your own boundaries if his are melting away.
> I can't get him in trouble, because he is only trying to be nice to me, when no one else is. The thing that actually upsets me the most is when I find myself worrying more about what to say to make him feel better, and telling him what I think about his stuff going on, than my own stuff.
You see… that’s really not therapy. Therapy is when you talk to him about your stuff without worrying how he feels. He can’t help you with your stuff if you’re worrying about his stuff.
> Though the way we interact has become "my stuff". I don't mind helping him, but it scares me when I feel like he isn't strong enough for me anymore. I worry that if I stopped that that he would grow tired of me. I wouldn't have a purpose for him anymore. But again, I could have it all wrong. He has done nothing to seem aggressive or mean.
His purpose as a therapist should be to help you to live as happily and as contentedly as possible. Seeing you get healthier should be enough to make him feel proud to be a therapist. Most clients worry at some point that they will be too much for their therapist to cope with. That’s why therapists are supposed to keep their own stuff out of therapy. Perhaps he isn’t aggressive or mean, but his behaviour is highly unprofessional. I wouldn’t say this if I weren’t genuinely concerned for you.
> I am ambivalent. I'm scared of most people, most men. But I don't want to be all alone. I owe him everything for helping me this far, and for being able to stand me, cause I'm ugly and stupid.
I’m glad you feel he’s helping you with your feelings of low self worth. Please believe me when I tell you that if you begin to have a sexual relationship with him you will feel more ugly and stupid than you felt to begin with. And the fact is that you are NOT ugly or stupid. Well, I don’t know what you look like, but I don’t meet many ugly people, and I know for sure that you’re not stupid (I’m a teacher, so I can tell!).
> Maybe he is just trying to give me confidence. Maybe he just pitys me. I'm not sure.
I hope he is trying to give you confidence. But I’m worried that he may be using you (at least to some extent) for his own gratification.
> I am a bit scared though after reading your post. Would I be able to tell if he was really this bad person underneath? If he is then he is a really good actor. But I'd be able to tell right?
Honey, if we could tell someone’s character that easily, no woman would ever be raped, and no woman would ever get involved with a man who beat her. The problem is that the people who do monstrous things do not look like monsters and do not act like monsters most of the time. Most people who do really bad things are actually pretty decent most of the time. There’s a reason why women who have experienced abuse know the warning signs. Please trust us on this one. He is dangerous to you.
Sorry to have scared you. I just want you to be safe.
Please be careful.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:657557
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060615/msgs/657684.html