Posted by wishingstar on June 6, 2006, at 18:34:27
This is a possible trigger for sexual assault, abuse, etc. It's very different from what I usually see on this board so I hope it's appropriate.. if not, please tell me and I will not post anything similar in the future. I really dont want to be inappropriate or change the tone of this board in any negative way.
A few weeks ago, I was watching the Oprah show. She had several young girls (older teens, 20s) on who had been prostitutes and had since gotten out of it. The girls were talking about how terrible it was, the fear, the risks, all the downsides. Nothing remotely positive was presented.
My reaction.. scares me. The thought that kept entering my head over and over was, "I could do that." Now, I absolutely know the reasons that that would be a terrible idea and I dont really plan to actually go through with it, but the thought is there. I could do that. I should note that I am fairly young myself (in my 20s), if that matters.
I told my T that today. We talked about it some and what it means to me and what I'd get from it. I made it very clear that I wasnt going to act on it though. She didnt seem as shocked as I thought she would be. We talked about how easy it is for me to completely seperate myself emotionally from everything.. even during sex with my partner. She actually seemed to agree with me when I told her I thought I would be able to seperate myself from sex with other men fairly easily. I know I could. But obviously that doesnt mean it's a good idea.
So why do I think I cant get this out of my head? I dont know. I think there's a small part of me that just wanted to be "bad" for once. I've always been the good girl, never ever in trouble, etc etc.. and I'm a little tired of that. But that isnt the biggest reason. I think the real reason is the attention and the... I dont know what the word is.. that I'd get from the men themselves. I think this is probably what leads a lot of young girls into the job. I actually was not sexually abused as a child, nor have I ever been raped or anything like that. My childhood was very emotionally cut-off and negligent in many ways, but not abusive. I'm probably the last person who the textbooks would predict would feel that way. In fact, I hate sex (and always have). It feels very violating and is not very pleasurable for me at all.
I dont know what I'm looking for by posting this. I dont need to hear the risks of doing something like that.. I'm very aware of them, and like I said, I have no plans to actually do this. It's just an idea I cant get out of my head. I guess I just know that you all wont go "oh my gosh, whats wrong with you!!!???" like most people would. At least I hope you dont.
I have one session left with my T (next tues) before I'm out of town for 8 weeks. I may drive down (its only 2 hours) to see her once or twice, but it wont be very regular. I have the option of seeing an old T from years ago while I'm away, and I may do that, but she knows so little about me now, I'm not sure it's worth it for only a few sessions.
poster:wishingstar
thread:653771
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060604/msgs/653771.html