Posted by Daisym on March 18, 2006, at 20:33:42
In reply to So here it is. Longish and not absolutley coherent, posted by madeline on March 18, 2006, at 10:21:55
I think I can relate to how you feel. It sounds so similiar to what happened to me in January. Things were so intense in therapy and I was pulling so hard for my therapist to rescue me that he gave me a little push back. I called him on it and he admitted that upon reflection, that was exactly what he had done. Not intentionally to hurt me, but from his own place discomfort.
And I was devastated. Just like you sound. All the alarms went off about "I knew it! I'm too much" and other such things. And I, like you, questioned the value of therapy and the hurt it caused.
So here we are, a couple of months later, and I'm still going. It wasn't easy those first couple of weeks, I was really tentative and held back so much from him. One of the things that I said was that I felt like something had been taken away. I finally figured out that it was the ability to suspend reality for that hour and let myself believe that it was OK to feel so deeply for someone. Now all of my feelings felt tainted, like they were so unwanted, and I was so ashamed to have them. And so ashamed to have made my therapist so uncomfortable that he had to react to them.
I think if I had gotten the lecture you got, I would have felt the same rejection. And at the exact same time, I would have felt the same confusion about him wanting to know what I was thinking and feeling, and then being told what I was thinking and feeling was wrong. Especially about dreams.
I hope you get the chance to talk it out some more. I can't say that I'm "over it" -- I know that part of joining a group is one of the ripple effects -- but I think it is possible to rebuild from the hurt and learn how to express some outrage and anger.
The worst thing for me is having to now call myself on any quiet fantasy I might have about my therapist, in a fatherly, sexual or any other role. And, to grapple again with being just a client and not being special "enough" to rescue. It does hurt.
I don't know what else to say except you aren't alone. ((((Maddy)))
poster:Daisym
thread:620748
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060312/msgs/621783.html