Posted by madeline on March 18, 2006, at 10:21:55
In reply to woah. I'm not doing so hot. (trigger maybe), posted by madeline on March 15, 2006, at 20:13:36
This is a letter I sent to my therapist after I got a "sex between us is never going to happen" lecture absolutely out of the blue. Literally, I just sat down on the couch and out it came. It doesn't make much sense, but then again, I don't really either right now. We;ve been talking about sex a lot lately in therapy. WE;ve never had sex (and aren't going to).
Dr XXX
Is he an actor playing a role, as in my dream. Is he a psychiatrist just implementing a treatment plan by playing a man, OR is he actually a man playing the part of a psychiatrist? (unlikely).
I said maybe some part of him did want to have sex with me and all of this talking about sex is his way of dealing with it.
Maybe he thinks that I think he is still working an angle.
What part is a man and what part is a doctor?
I said "Some part is definately a man, and on some part I think that man wants to have sex with me and is handling it by wanting to talk about sex all the time with me. Don't tell me if I am wrong, I don't know how I would handle what you said." I am troubling myself.
I said I don't want to get mad at men for having sex with me, maybe he doesn't want me to get mad at him and that's why I got the boundaries lecture.
He said, and I have said in the past that it would be easier for us to have sex, and it would be good for us both. Maybe he thinks that I am still holding out hope. Need to talk about the disappointment, anger or sadness that I feel. I'm only confused about that.Maybe he thinks that I still view sex as a bad thing, and since I had imagined us having sex then I might translate that into something bad about him. And he was reassuring me that he was never going to do that to me.
Maybe he thinks that I am still entertaining some notion that we would have sex and doesn't want things to get out of hand for legal reasons.
I've gotten glimpses of what love must be like in therapy, but really nothing in the real world. Maybe he doesn't want me to blur the real and imaginary.It would be nice if we had sex. "I'm not lying about this." he said, But our work in therapy would stop. I've alwyas heard this. It must be true. Why?
I dreamed about having sex with the therapist. My dreams may indicate escalating fantasy and intrusion into his private life. Worried about a boundary violation.
This leads me to think that this all has been a therapeutic intervention.Well, that makes me feel very very manipulated. Am I just defensive or am I truly upset that we are never going to have sex and that after all this talk, I'll never get to know what that is like.
Maybe he's Worried that I might think other men won't match up.
Maybe he just wants to get rid of me. I'm sure. But then why would he want to extra sessions.
Oh, I could just kick him! Why did you do that? And we don't even meet on Monday.
Arggh.
I'm so tired of all this. I think I'm going to have a panic attack. I sort of have that panicky feeling. I'm really tired and I've just had a bad day.
I feel like the bottom just got dropped out from under me. ANd that always happens. Always always always.
I would go to sleep, but I would have to take one of the pills you prescribed for me.
Wonderful man and wonderful doctor.
SO, I talked to you today. And I was right, you were concerned that I was thinking that we would ultimately end up having sex and how much easier it would be.
But I wasn't thinking that at all. I have in the past, but not lately. What I have been thinking of lately was how nice it was to be that close to someone.
The "you know we are not going to have sex" speech on wednesday just hurt. It just hurt.
and I don't really know why.NOw i feel very sad. very very sad, like all of this in therapy isn't real. Like I was just trying to make it real and it's not. I don't know if there is anything that you can say that will fix this.
I feel like I lost something.
In reality, I think the real reason you felt you had to bring it up was the insertion of the wife figure in one of my dreams. I don't think it had much to do with your stated reasons for bringing it up.
I think in some way you felt threatened by that and wanted to stop the escalation.
I can't control what is in my dreams. It was just a stupid dream.
I'm beginning to think that this whole therapy thing is a lie. Just one great big lie that I bought into lock, stock and barrel.
Although, how I felt was real I guess. The elusive "corrective emotional experience" as it were. Some correction. Some experience.
And yet, this feeling I have right now is so comfortable to me, this rejection, disappointment. I surprised myself by crying in the bed last night. I woke with my eyes all matted. Must have had a sad dream.
How stupid I must look. Like I can't handle the reality of the situation in therapy. One word and I get all freaked out.
I'm seriously thinking about quitting. Very very seriously. Get out of some of this hurt that I just walk into everyweek. Sort of normalize back to some baseline numbness or something.
Real life vs. therapy.
Do I love you? Is THAT even real?
Why am I having such a hard time with this? Is it because I do not have a model at all for a trusting relationship in which the boundaries are maintained? or Is it that ANY person in this situation would have trouble with this relationship?
I don't know. I really don't know.
poster:madeline
thread:620748
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060312/msgs/621631.html