Posted by Tamar on November 8, 2005, at 6:22:20
In reply to Re: I'm afraid (slight trigger) » Tamar, posted by daisym on November 7, 2005, at 23:27:50
> Saying no to sex is a really hard thing for me. I tend to think of it as currency -- payment for support, something I'm supposed to do to meet his needs. I tell myself it isn't his fault that I'm having a hard time with all of this.
Yes, I think it’s not unusual to think of sex as currency in a marriage, especially as something women have that men want (though of course it can be the other way around). And there’s considerable cultural pressure on women to comply with men’s demands on the assumption that they’re meeting men’s needs. And yet a need for sexual release is something almost every man can manage alone. I wonder, though… I’ve always believed that sex within marriage should be about mutual consideration of the other’s desires and needs. You also have sexual needs, and perhaps at the moment those needs involve not having sex. No matter how hard that might be for a spouse to understand, it is something that he ought to be able to accept. Heck, you say it isn’t his fault you’re having a hard time with all of this, but of course it’s not your fault either.
> We talk about this a lot in therapy. But it is difficult not to turn the situation into a triangulation of sorts - I want my therapist to save me from sex because it triggers me so badly but he can't. So I feel trapped and very much like I did in the past. And he gets to play the role of my mother, except he knows. And I don't know if she knew. We've been round and round about this.
I can imagine what you mean. I don’t think there’s an easy answer – if there were, you’d have found it. But now at least you have more autonomy, even if you don’t believe you have the capacity to exercise it. Your autonomy and his knowledge can work together to make quite a difference.
> He tells me we will figure it out, we just have to keep talking about it. He is careful not to push because then I think he has expectations I can't meet, so I stop talking about it. But keeping it a 'secret' makes it ten times worse.
Yes, the last thing you need is to feel that he also has expectations of you that you can’t meet. But I can understand that secrecy makes it worse. You *will* figure it out, but (like sex) perhaps you need to keep the discussion slow and gentle.
> He says what you said - find certain acts or positions that aren't so triggering. We agree that oral sex is something to be avoided right now as it sends me off the deep end.
Finding alternatives seems to work for me. I’ve noticed that the triggers change… for many years, oral sex was something I was good at and enjoyed, and I had no triggers about it. I think I always had a feeling of being in control. But very recently it’s started to become a bit triggery, much to my horror and my husband’s dismay. However, I’m finding at the same time that activities that used to trigger me are now possible and even enjoyable… again, it’s best if I feel I’m in control. So I agree that avoiding oral sex would be a priority for you if it triggers you so intensely.
> He encourages mutuality and asserting myself, hoping it will make me feel less vulnerable. There are times when he gently suggests that I begin to think about sharing my past with my husband...but I just can't yet. I don't know if I ever can.
It takes a lot of trust to share stuff like that with a partner… and it’s hard to know how he’d react. I do think it can help if you can bring yourself to do it (I know it’s helpful for me to be able to talk to my husband about past trauma), but it has to be in your own time.
> At my worst moments, my therapist will simply say, "tell him I said this is bad for you right now. Let me be the heavy."
Have you ever told your husband that? Or do you worry that if you say that, he might start asking questions about why?
> Feeling so much support usually helps me be more OK with either avoiding sex or spacing out during. I'm not as good at spacing out as I use to be. This isn't all bad, and I do want to figure out how to relax and enjoy sex. We've talked about this too -- what would make it better, what I might like, how slow and careful someone would need to be with me to make it safe. But when I feel young and vulnerable sex just triggers the ugly pictures.
It’s good that you’re able to talk about what you might like and how it might feel safe. Even to consider the *possibility* that you could like it or that it could feel safe sounds like good work.
> I'm open to suggestions - I often wonder how other people who have experienced trauma learn to enjoy (tolerate?) sex.
The first thing I had to do was learn to enjoy it by myself. It was more difficult than I expected. I had to try several times and in several ways before it started to feel OK, and I had to keep telling myself it was OK. And once I got the hang of it, it was a little while before I could think about sharing what I’d learned with a partner. And even now sex is still far from perfect. Sometimes I have to remind myself that my body likes it, even if my mind is screaming at me to stop…
> My therapist tells me it isn't something you can push, that as we work through all of this, I will feel more empowered around my own body. It is interesting to talk about all this within the safe context of my feelings for him. At first it was hard to do, but he has this way of just making it OK to explore the possibilities. And I think most of time we are in sync about what I need -- protection or openness to explore.
I think it’s wonderful that you can talk about it in the context of your feelings for him. It seems the gentlest way.
> Right now I need protection. I want to hide under the sheets, blankets, pillows, mattress...you name it! I want to wrap myself in the warmth I find here and use it as a barrier from the world. Not very mature, I know.
Is there some rule that we have to be mature all the time? I must have missed that one…
I guess we sometimes need barriers from the world, at least until we can begin to imagine engaging with it again. If it keeps you safe, hide a while.
Hugs,
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:576259
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/576651.html