Posted by daisym on November 7, 2005, at 23:27:50
In reply to Re: I'm afraid (slight trigger) » daisym, posted by Tamar on November 7, 2005, at 16:33:36
Saying no to sex is a really hard thing for me. I tend to think of it as currency -- payment for support, something I'm supposed to do to meet his needs. I tell myself it isn't his fault that I'm having a hard time with all of this.
We talk about this a lot in therapy. But it is difficult not to turn the situation into a triangulation of sorts - I want my therapist to save me from sex because it triggers me so badly but he can't. So I feel trapped and very much like I did in the past. And he gets to play the role of my mother, except he knows. And I don't know if she knew. We've been round and round about this.
He tells me we will figure it out, we just have to keep talking about it. He is careful not to push because then I think he has expectations I can't meet, so I stop talking about it. But keeping it a 'secret' makes it ten times worse. He says what you said - find certain acts or positions that aren't so triggering. We agree that oral sex is something to be avoided right now as it sends me off the deep end. He encourages mutuality and asserting myself, hoping it will make me feel less vulnerable. There are times when he gently suggests that I begin to think about sharing my past with my husband...but I just can't yet. I don't know if I ever can. At my worst moments, my therapist will simply say, "tell him I said this is bad for you right now. Let me be the heavy." Feeling so much support usually helps me be more OK with either avoiding sex or spacing out during. I'm not as good at spacing out as I use to be. This isn't all bad, and I do want to figure out how to relax and enjoy sex. We've talked about this too -- what would make it better, what I might like, how slow and careful someone would need to be with me to make it safe. But when I feel young and vulnerable sex just triggers the ugly pictures.
I'm open to suggestions - I often wonder how other people who have experienced trauma learn to enjoy (tolerate?) sex. My therapist tells me it isn't something you can push, that as we work through all of this, I will feel more empowered around my own body. It is interesting to talk about all this within the safe context of my feelings for him. At first it was hard to do, but he has this way of just making it OK to explore the possibilities. And I think most of time we are in sync about what I need -- protection or openness to explore.
Right now I need protection. I want to hide under the sheets, blankets, pillows, mattress...you name it! I want to wrap myself in the warmth I find here and use it as a barrier from the world. Not very mature, I know.
poster:daisym
thread:576259
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/576615.html