Posted by Tamar on October 5, 2005, at 16:42:02
In reply to Re: Next topic for therapy-My abusive life cycle, posted by happyflower on October 3, 2005, at 22:23:36
Hi Happyflower,
From what you say, it sounds as if your husband doesn’t want to talk about what’s going on in his head, and that’s not an easy position for you to be in.
I’ve been having a hard time with my husband in the last few months. It’s hard going. I really can sympathise. I think at this point my question would be whether your husband admits there’s a problem. The difficulty with admitting there’s a problem is that it entails working hard to find solutions, and that’s not easy to do. So maybe he’s finding it tough. I can imagine that would be frustrating for you because you’re facing so much in therapy that you’ve proved to yourself you have the courage to face your problems head-on, and that can give you courage to face other problems. Maybe your husband hasn’t reached that point yet.
I was thinking about the ‘other woman’ thing. I work in a field where infidelity is rather common, and so does my husband. There’s something about being away from home in a hotel… people sometimes throw caution to the wind and do things they wouldn’t do at home. I’ve seen it happen many times. And as far as I can tell, people don’t usually let their partners find out. If your husband told you what happened, and he didn’t sleep with the woman, I think that’s quite significant. Often in a situation like that people will sleep together, then say to themselves, “It doesn’t matter on foreign territory,” and you’d be none the wiser. So I guess he deserves some credit for being honest with you (and for not having sex with the other woman), even if it hurts.
And yes, I guess it could be confusing for him, particularly if it was his friend. She’s a woman; men sometimes notice women; that’s just life. Women sometimes notice men too… it’s a biological imperative. The important thing, I think, is that he wasn’t actually unfaithful to you, even though he was confused. If he won’t talk to you, perhaps it’s because he doesn’t think there’s anything to talk about. She came on to him, he said no, and that was that. Any man might wonder if he could have managed to get away with it. But if he doesn’t open up, perhaps it’s because she isn’t important to him and he doesn’t want to give you the impression that she has any significance in his life.
If you thought he might be having an affair with her at the moment, that would be different. But you don’t seem to think that (or have I misunderstood?)… Maybe it’s best if you let it go. If he was tempted and resisted the temptation, that says something very good about you, doesn’t it?
On the other hand, having sex only twice since February is pretty serious. No wonder you feel rejected. That’s a horrible feeling. I find it very difficult to believe your husband isn’t attracted to you. It sounds as if he has other stuff going on. I know it’s easy to believe that it’s something to do with the other woman, but perhaps it’s not so straightforward. It might have more to do with your new-found independence than with other women… he’s probably having a hard time adjusting. You’re no longer the person you used to be, and that seems to be a good thing for you. Maybe he needs some time to catch up. He could be sulking in the hope that you’ll return to being the compliant woman you say you used to be.
I’ve gone the opposite way: I used to be very independent and since I became diabetic I’ve been much more clingy that usual. My husband hates it. He rejects me sexually too from time to time. I hate that. So we’re trying to work it out. Once thing I found that helped was that I had to be very vulnerable with him: I had to tell him how hurt I felt, and I had to tell him I understood that he wasn’t very happy with how I’d changed but that it was a fact of life and we’d have to deal with it together. I’m hoping things will improve…
And I hope things will improve for you too.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:562397
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051001/msgs/563306.html