Posted by orchid on October 4, 2005, at 16:10:05
In reply to Re: Next topic for therapy-My abusive life cycle, posted by happyflower on October 3, 2005, at 22:23:36
Hi HF,
I see your point.
Maybe your DH is afraid of your new growth and being yourself, and is getting some confidence in pursuing other interests. Or he could be the type of person who doesn't like his wife to be very independant.
I am not sure you can do anything for your husband at this point. He will have to decide his life. But in any case, I think a marraige of 12 years is definitely worth putting all your efforts in salvaging. Try not to think of a divorce or separation at this point. It isn't good for you, neither it is good for kids. And usually a divorce is not really worth it. (People might disagree, but it is my opinion).
Plus I do think there are many good qualities in your husband - being supportive of your troubles with your mother an example. Another fact is that he has been a stable provider for your family. Even the fact he was honest to you about this other woman is a pretty good quality. Now he might be shutting off, maybe just because he is not sure of his feelings and he probably doesnt want you to hurt. Maybe he is attracted to her like you are attracted to your T. In all marriages there are ups and downs, and periods when people get bored with their marriage and start looking outside. But most of the marriages survive this occassional mild infidelity if both the partners are somehow committed to each other. In fact, some people even say it is good for the marriage in the long run to have this mild infidelity occassionally. Being not interested in sex could be a very minor issue in the overall grand scheme of things. Unlike here, in marriages in my country, sex is given the least of priorities. There are many couples who go without having sex for many years. So for the time being, I think you probably need not feel rejected if your husband isn't interested in it. Actually, I think he is a decent person, because otherwise, he might jsut have had sex as usual with you, and on the side he could have pursued his interest in the other woman. The very fact that he is trying to abstain, seems to me that he respects you, and doesn't want to fool around.
I think he is a little intimidated by your new growth. But I think with patience, if you do new things slowly enough for him to catch his breath, he might become quite open and supportive of your growth. The key is to do new things slowly, so that he doesn't get overwhelmed and to keep him in the loop. Also being open with him, and telling him that it is good for you and for your marriage if you develop new interests might work. Openness always works in the end.
Plus, what I meant by being involved with your therapist, I meant only emotional involvement. Emotional involvement, just like an actual affair, takes a toll. By nature, woman are kind of meant to be loyal to one partner. I don't know about men, but for a woman, being emotionally close to one guy and trying to live with another, doesn't work well. For brief periods of time, it is fine, but in the long run, you will have to choose your loyalty. Sooner or later you will have to find ways to be emotionally close and intimate with your partner, either through marital therapy or by your own efforts. That is why nowadays I feel going to male T is really not that good for women, because there is a huge conflict that arises in the mind.
Plus your husband might be open to marital therapy if you suggest a older female counsellor. He might be wrongly assuming you want to see your male counsellor for marriage and he might be feeling jealous.
I think marriage with any decently good guy is worth trying to fix rather than break. It may not happen even for a few years, but eventually, it always is better to stick to a marriage than leave.
Plus there are lot of subtle things that partners notice in each other. If you are pre occupied with your T (even if you think you hide it well enough for your husband not to suspect), it is practically impossible for your husband not to suspect it. It will be plainly visible in innumerable ways - from the way you talk, the way you behave etc. I am pretty sure he is already jealous of your T, and might even be using the new woman as a way to get back at you.
If you don't need intensive therapy for now, maybe reducing the frequency with your T for now, might be a good start. And try to talk more to your husband about how you feel. Maybe politely. Plus do your new developments in a slower pace, rather than doing everything at once. That will make it easier for your hsuband to accept it. IF you suddenly start going to gym, start playing trumpets, enroll for new classes, he might feel quite intimidated. Give him time to catch up.
(Please don't take any offense in my views. These are just my views and may not be right. But it seems a marriage of 12 years is worth all the effort on your part. Plus the influence of Ts are quite a strong issue. It might look like he is your well wisher and he is great and your husband is like a not-so-great-a-guy in comparision, but eventually, your husband is the one who will stand besides you.)
poster:orchid
thread:562397
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051001/msgs/562804.html