Posted by daisym on September 30, 2005, at 0:13:23
In reply to Re: Shame - trigger, posted by orchid on September 29, 2005, at 14:16:13
If your father had broken your leg in your childhood, will you be ashamed now of limping? No, right? You would very clearly see that it was his problem and it was his evilness. And that it has got nothing to do with you. And you would have recognized that your suffering is only a problem that he imposed on you. You would have perhaps even made a lot of peace with it, because everybody who sees you, would have heard the story and told you that it was his action that needs to be condemned and you should be proud of yourself for surviving all that.
***You know what? I'd probably be ashamed of limping. Or at least I wouldn't want anyone to feel sorry for me over it. I have a hard time not being ashamed FOR other people -- even if it is about what they did to me. I still think I must have some part in all of this.
What your father did to you mentally in your childhood is 100 times worse. Think you are limping somewhat in your mental strength now. But, it is just a reaction to the intense trauma and stress that you went through as a child, and it really doesn't reflect anything on you as a person or as an individual.
***I don't believe that. I think lots of individuals have traumatic events and get over them better than I have. All of this is so old and should be placed firmly in the past where it belongs.
The only thing that you need to remember very very clearly now, is that none of the problems that you have has anything to do with you. It all stems from your dad. The only task for you, is to make yourself free of him, and making sure that all the dirt ends with him. Don't take any of that on yourself. You are a wonderful person, you have sustained so much of trouble and problems, you have made a decent home for yourself, raised wonderful kids, and you are running a business which helps kids, you are intelligent and you help others here on this board. And you are honest with yourself. What more can a person do in this life? This is the max anyone can do. You have done the very best. Be proud of yourself. There is absolutley nothing to be ashamed of.
***Not true, not true, not true. Most of the problems I'm trying to deal with now are because of my decisions or choices. And a lot of this is because I let down. I got selfish and focused on myself and things slipped by and got out of control.
Suicide intentions and SI are perhaps an outlet for the intense pain that you are going through in your mind. When we feel we don't control anything in our lives, people think of suicide and SI as a way to exert some control. But please remember that all the helplessness that you feel are all very very temporary. IT is like an extremely harsh winter. It will go away, and beautiful spring and warm summer are just on the horizon. But you need to be patient with yourself, and treat yourself with much more kindness and warmth during this period. Just like you would cuddle yourself with a warm blanket when the winter is cold. Think of yourself as suffering from some physical ailment, rather than torturing yourself for not being 100 % allright mentally.
***the SI is about punishment. One side of me is punishing the other side of me for wanting my therapist, for needing support and for being self-centered. The suicidal piece is from the part that is being punished. She is giving up and wants out. And it has gotten to the point that the executive is willing to help her inorder to kill off her memories. There is just this tiny voice, the mom part, that says, "you aren't done, you still have an obligation as a parent." But it is pretty faint tonight.
Plus, buy a punching bag, and punch it whenever you feel helpless, and angry, or hurting. That will really help relieve some stress.
***It might help, I have a hard time channeling my emotions this way. Anger is unproductive and scary for me. I've experienced too much hitting for me to ever hit. But thanks for the suggestion. I appreciate the support.
poster:daisym
thread:560850
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050920/msgs/561164.html