Posted by shrinking violet on September 15, 2005, at 19:20:00
In reply to Re: sending letter to ex-t --- good or bad idea? » shrinking violet, posted by messadivoce on September 13, 2005, at 20:34:19
> I had a situation not unlike yours. Attached to T and vice-versa, terrible termination, heartache and tears galore for a year afterward.
--- I'm sorry for your situation and your pain. I thought I would be a mess for a long while afterward also, but it's getting easier as time goes on. I still think about her, and I miss her, but not in a T/client way at all. I regret things, and if I had the chance to be her client again temporarily, I think I would just to try to improve things and have them end better and reverse some of my regrets, but otherwise I wouldn't want a t/client situation with her again. I think I've mourned that loss enough, and sometimes it's hard, but for the most part I've moved on more quickly than I thought I would have.
> The reply I got from him was nothing like the man I knew. Cool, detached, rational and businesslike. Not warm, fuzzy, comforting. It hurt, oh yes. But it made me realize that there is nothing there for me anymore. It forced me to understand that I could no longer look to him for support because that time was over.
--- I'm so sorry, that must be so hard. My ex-T has done that to me. Some of it, I think is just the way she is on paper; she's much more warm and open in person and while she can be that way on paper also, she generally just isn't, so she always sounds more detached and clinical, which is hurtful. I'd probably rather not receive any response at all rather than receive some sort of "cease and desist" notice. :-(
> It sounds like your termination was very hard for your T as well as you. If you were attracted to each other, writing a letter to her now might make her react in a irrational way. She may have trouble being impartial and logical, with the balance of compassion that good Ts have. Were she to proposition you now, it might feel good but it would probably be a terrible disaster for you later. I am convinced that once a client, always a client. You can never revert to being good friends and/or lovers. And finally, it would be very unethical for her to proposition you in the first place.---I'm assuming you meant "attached" and not "attracted." :-)
---I do think she had trouble being impartial where I was concerned. I think in most situations it wouldn't be a good idea to become friends with former T's. However, there are exceptions to every rule, and I think we're an exception. Our therapy didn't consist of much therapy, and I never told her anything that I wouldn't tell a very close friend. I know things about her as well (her faults and all). She once asked me if I could envisio us being friends. I told her that maybe friends was the wrong word. But she asked if I could picture her in my life in some way and I said yes. I never asked her why she asked me that, or what it meant. Maybe a part of me took that as some sort of promise or option? I don't know. There are so many things like that I need to ask her, even if it is in a letter that may not be answered. As for ethics, we could go back and forth all day long that so many things she did and said for and to me were unethical. I think when two (fallible and emotional) human beings engage in an intimate relationship like clients and T's do, it's difficult to draw solid lines in the sand. I think my relationship with my former T is the exception rather than the rule, however. And there are no hard and fast laws against personal relationships between T's and former clients (other than the 2-year guideline).>
> I would encourage you to get into therapy with your new T, and perhaps later down the road you both might decide together that writing a letter would be a good thing. Or maybe not so much.--- Yes I think I might do that. I think I may write the letter in the meantime; perhaps writing it alone will lead me to know what I need to do. And I do plan to bring this up with the new T.
Thank you Voce, I appreciate your response.
Take care.
SV
poster:shrinking violet
thread:554680
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050912/msgs/555381.html