Posted by shrinking violet on September 15, 2005, at 19:07:40
In reply to Re: sending letter to ex-t --- good or bad idea? » shrinking violet, posted by jammerlich on September 13, 2005, at 18:19:19
Hi Jammerlich,
Wow, it's as if you plucked those questions from my mind and tossed them up onto the screen.
Our situations are very similar, at least in that they are bringing up the same issues and questions. I'm sorry you're going through this as well.
> This probably isn't the kind of answer you were hoping for, but the best I have for you is this - >I just flat don't know.--- Thank you for your honesty. I guess none of us can really know, just b/c it's impossible to crawl inside the other's mind and know how they will react (although we sure do try!).
> I don't know because I'm struggling with the same sort of thing. I've been working on a >letter to mine for over 4 months and can't seem to get around to finishing it. Probably because >I'm not sure I want to send it.--- I haven't even started the letter yet. :-x I think I may write it first, and then see how I feel afterwards. Maybe writing it will be enough and I won't need to send it? Or maybe it will help separate my feelings a bit and I won't keep hoping for something that will probably not happen.
> First, like I said, I feel like a door may be open there. I'm struggling over whether or not >finding out for sure would be a good thing or not. Of course, the ideal situation would be for >her to agree to see me again. That's what I want. But what if I find out the door is indeed >closed? Can I handle that? I'm not sure if it would help me with closure or if it would simply >be more pain.
---I know, it's so hard. I wish I had some wisdom for you....My instinct says that if you aren't sure whether or not it will hurt you further, then don't chance it. I actually recently asked to see my ex-T again, temporarily, while I found another T to work with. I figure we could discuss some of the things I never was able to with her regarding our relationship, etc, and it might provide some closure with me, especially if this time around turned out better than the rest of it. But she said she feels I'd be better off with someone else. I didn't tell her WHY i wanted to see her (I said I had other issues to discuss, which was true, but I realize those are probably better left for a new T), but I suspect that she knew. I was devastated, for about a week. And then I got over it. And maybe it's better this way. I know I can go visit her if I want to, but I haven't yet, so maybe I'm just not ready. Anyway, good luck with your situation, I know it's so hard.
> Maybe the dream in my head of getting to work with her again is better than knowing for a fact >that I can't. If I don't send the letter, then the thing that's stopping that is me and not a >rejection from her. Make any sense?
--- I don't know the details of why you stopped working wiht your T in the first place, so what I'm about to say may be out of place, but: perhaps you should ask yourself why you want to see this particular T again? What do you hope to get out of working with her this time that didn't happen the last time? Also, question your motives: do you feel she is the best T to help you, or do you want to see her for other reasons (attachment, etc)? Again, I'm sorry if anything I'm saying is out of line as I'm not sure of the details of your situation.
> Second, I've got a motive here (seeing her again) that virtually prevents me from writing exactly what I'm feeling. What I want to say is, "part of me is very angry with you. I think you did a cruel thing. I am hurting and I'm not sure if I can trust you or anyone else ever again. It must be very convenient that you can terminate me by phone, never have to look the results of your actions in the face, and be able to call that therapeutic." Some of those things I'd like to try to work out with her if she agreed to see me and others I don't think I could ever say in person. But I can't say them in the letter and reasonably expect to see her again. So if I send the letter that fits my "agenda" and she says no, then have I lost the opportunity to express my true feelings? If she does say no and I then follow-up with a letter stating my true feelings, will it merely be considered retaliatory?
--- Ugh, that sounds so similar to what I'm thinking also. If I send my T a letter just talking about our relationship and suspected mutuality there, etc., and I did'nt hear from her (which I probably won't, let's face it), then I send her a letter telling her the stuff I've needed to: how she's hurt me, etc., then it will probably be seen as retaliatory (and a typical messed-up-client reaction). I guess, for me, it would be better for me to get it all out in one shot. Whatever is meant to happen will happen, that's what I believe.
> I'm not asking you to answer any of these questions. Just hoping that somehow my questions might lead you to your own answers.---- They actually did, somewhat. Thank you. :-)
Take care of yourself too, and keep us posted on your decision. Thanks again.
poster:shrinking violet
thread:554680
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050912/msgs/555376.html