Posted by Damos on September 12, 2005, at 22:54:38
In reply to Re: self-control » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on September 12, 2005, at 19:10:43
Key Kiddo,
Okay here goes. A couple of things you said in your reply to me stood out. (Oh I just want to warn you that I'm gonna refer to your 'internal family' if that's okay, alters just seems too cold to me) I'll also ask for your forgiveness now if I'm talking total sh*t.
>But I don't seem to be able to stop it.
>And I was just kind of screaming at myself to shut the hell up and stop it. But just kind of feeling like I was just observing myself going on and on and on .....
Was the screaming inside or out loud? Part of me suspects that it wasn't 'you' Alexandra_k that lost it. I'm wondering that if because as we suspect this is actually old stuff that is being played out, that possibly one of your internal family is actually coming to the fore at the point of triggering. Which would kind of explain the sensation of 'screaming at myself' and 'I was just observing myself'. From the little I understand of DID it is possible that one of your internal family can hold all the responsibilty for a specific emotion and that they will act in an effort to protect you and the entire family when a trigger event is tripped. It's also my understanding that sometimes a member or members of your internal family can take on the characteristics of the 'abuser' but still be trying to protect you in a weird kind of way.
This would kind of fit with the piece you post before about what happened with your partner.
> and it was all because I had a stomach bug
>was throwing up
>and he said he'd get me some pill to take
>to stop the nausea
>and my partner said
>'what good is that going to do when she is just going to throw it up again'
>and if he knew the answer to that that was the time
>but he didn't
>and somehow or other things got worse
>and she stood up and yelled a little
>and he was a small man
>and he felt threatened>and somehow...
>that's my fault.For whatever reason the lines
'and if he knew the answer to that that was the time'
'but he didn't'
Are really key. Really, really important. It seems to me that you needed something to happen there that you'd needed to happen before. The players were different but the scenario was the same, familiar. And so even though it wasn't mum and dad, mum and whoever, it further entrenched something and maybe someone inside has taken on that role of 'aggressor protector', that really stems from mum.And again in another post about the last appointment:
>The trouble is...
>Being at more than one place at a time.
>That's how it feels.
>Or like being in two different places at one time.
>It's like I'm being split between present and some time in the past.
>And I can see this happening
>But I feel like an observer
>Powerless to stop it.And
>...how I feel is just like when I was a little kid and I'm living with my mother and in my room mostly and so f*cking lonely only I don't that's what it is and I'm thinking WHY WON'T SOMEONE F*CKING HELP ME and nobody does and nobody comes.
Your internal family and the way you engage in the world were created for your own protection, to help you survive. The behaviour and reaction is so ingrained and automatic that you are not even probably fully aware of when the change happens. Maybe these reactions are still coming from the ages and places where they were created, maybe they haven't grown and evolved into what is appropriate and effective for Alexandra_k the age you are now, and the way you need and want to function in the world. And they don't know this, they just know you need to be protected, and when they are triggered you ARE actually being pulled between the then and the now. But see this knowledge is the key to change. They are simply trying to protect you. Maybe it is them you need to be talking to before you go in. This is probably going to sound really odd, but I've heard you say to Kerria about how important it is to treat your internal family with respect, so maybe you could hold a meeting and incorporate some of what Tamar was talking about, discuss simple things like who will be there and who won't, who will speak on behalf of the family. Maybe you can all find a safe place to keep the triggering memories for a couple of hours so that you can all stay clearly in the present during the appointment. I'm just talking here. See, if you can contain the triggering memories that's half the battle. You don't want to make them go away cause you need to be able to access them to really work with your therapist, but you all need to be able to work together on ways to put them away when they aren't appropriate/effective.
One thing you really need to be clear about is that you have nothing to be ashamed about - nothing. Things that should never have happened did. And you developed this quite amazing way of surviving. Given the enormous investment that went into it, it's no wonder it is so difficult to not be that way. You should be so very proud of yourself, for you have achieved so very much already. YOU are not to blame.
Your friend,
Damos
poster:Damos
thread:554076
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050912/msgs/554485.html