Posted by alexandra_k on September 15, 2005, at 20:08:53
In reply to Re: I'm sorry........ » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on September 15, 2005, at 0:31:11
i just wanted you to know... that i really am okay. it is hard. i guess that sometimes i forget how fragile i can be. but it is all there sort of... sort of in the background but stuff keeps coming and going too... and what you said was good. it was pretty much right. and it did get me thinking. and i had been thinking about it a bit at any rate. so it really is okay. and i did think about it for a while and it does seem a little clearer to me now. and i feel pretty much okay about it. because it never really occured to me that i never did feel mad at my father for just standing by. i guess i couldn't afford to be mad at him. if i was mad at him then everybody in my world (both my parents) didn't care for me and that would have been too much to bear. he never actively hurt me. he was pretty kind in many respects. and i guess i just held on to my ideal as something to get me through... and so i said i didn't feel mad at him i felt sorry for him. but maybe part of me did feel mad at him after all its just that i couldn't afford to feel that. i remember feeling sorry for him. i guess so i would behave sympathetically towards him. so i would be bearable for him to have around. so he might... take me with him.
and thats okay. i'm okay with that.
but the therapist thing is hard...
really hard.
i guess my anger comes out now because it is (relatively) safer.
i do worry that people won't work with me if i am too unbearable to be around :-(
and my being angry with them when they haven't done anything has gotta be a pain in the *ss...
but i don't know...
maybe in a funny way it is for my protection.
because the anger has to come out at some point.
and while i am responsible...
and while i know that there isn't anything they can do
and while i know that there isn't anything they could have done
the anger is there.
and if they can't handle that then they need to bow out quickly
because there is no way in the world i want to be left trying to deal with that by myself.
no way
poster:alexandra_k
thread:554076
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050912/msgs/555413.html