Posted by alexandra_k on September 14, 2005, at 19:11:16
In reply to Re: self-control (long) » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on September 12, 2005, at 22:54:38
It took me a while to think about that. There is a lot there... And I have to be a bit careful...
Yeah, it feels like I'm just observing them doing their thing sometimes. Powerless to stop them. But then there is this really hard thing of my having to take responsibility for their actions because they are the actions of my body and that is the way it has to work. So to keep on about 'they said' 'they did' isn't really a very helpful way to think about it sometimes because it is so easy for that to become a way of refusing to take responsibility for something that I have to take responsibility for. But then how on earth am I supposed to describe what is happening? Thats why I try to keep it at the 'I feel as though...' level.
But the meeting... Is a good idea. And so is the contracting. I do have a bit of communication but I don't think it is really up to that... I don't have a 'all hands on deck' call or anything like that. I can't summon them at my whim. Sometimes I don't even know if they are listening or not. Mostly they initiate conversation. Or if I get a lot of mental pictures (kind of like flashbacks or mental pictures of my body doing things when I had a period of missing time) then I can usually initiate conversation to find out what thats about. Sometimes... But it is hard work and it can take a couple days sometimes. And one of them doesn't talk she pretty much just screams. I'm not sure how much she understands what I'm saying to her.
But... Mindfulness exercises might be the way to go there... Try a 'all hands on deck' call and try and get everybody to participate in the exercise. I think thats what my old t thought mindfulness exercises could be about for me... And maybe conversations too... I don't know. Worth a try I guess. But it is hard. Just thinking about doing that frightens me.
I have this box. A little wooden box. My old t gave it to me when she left. She put some little objects in it. A piece of crystal, a piece of turquoise, a bead, a shell. She said it was a mindfulness exercise and I think that was right but it got me thinking... The first thing I thought was that each object was supposed to be a bit of me. Because then I thought there were three others. I thought she meant that I had to learn to take a bit out of the box and just be aware of it for a while. Learn to do that.
But then after she left... I found another one. And I wasn't sure what to do with that. And I wondered about what I was supposed to be anyways... Was I just another piece inside the box, or was I the box?
I hadn't really looked inside the box for a while... But I went to do a mindfulness exercise and... There are more objects in there now. And it frightens me :-( And I still don't know whether I'm the box or what. I tried to pick them up and find out who they belonged to but I couldn't... Everything just felt all broken up and confusing... I went through who had what in the first place but I don't even know whether things are the same there or what. Sometimes I wonder... If they can split. If they can split themselves so where there was one of them before, there can be two of them now. It is like they can multiply and I'm left wondering whether the same one is there with an offshoot or if that one has gone now, properly split into two others and neither of them is the one that was before.
I don't know. It feels so horribly confusing...
And as for playing out the same saga... I think you are right. But its hard. Its hurtful. Its horrible to see that. I guess it is a bit bizzare... My mother was such a force. I feel like she was such a force and I wasn't the only one who was powerless against her. Everybody was. And my father just kind of stood by and never stood up to her. Never stood up for me. I remember running to him and begging him not to let her hit me. And she would come into the room and he would just kind of stand aside. And physically, if it ever came down to that, physically he could have stopped her. But he never did. Not once. But I didn't feel mad at him, I felt sorry for him. And then he left. And I thought he would come back and get me because if anyone knew what she was like it was him. And he knew the sorts of things she would do to me. But to be fair it got a lot worse once he left and maybe he didn't know about any of that. But I thought he would come back for me. He hardly ever saw me. He was supposed to see me once a month. But he wouldn't call... Or something would come up... I saw him maybe once every three or four months...
But I thought he would come back for me. I was about thirteen or fourteen when I realised he wasn't going to. He had never intended to. I ran away and eventually... Was put in a home. He never came to see me there. Not even once.
And it is hard because I feel caught. He could have done something but he didn't. Why not? He didn't care about me. Thats the best I can figure. Yeah he is avoidant. He just wanted to get the hell away from her. But why couldn't he have taken me with him? I don't understand that. And a few years back when one of my p-docs said to him that I felt like he had abandoned me when I was a kid he went off. I did NOT abandon my daughter!' But what else could it be? Of course he did.
And it plays out over and over...
Why won't somebody help me?
Why won't somebody do something?
But of course nobody can now anyway because nobody can rewind time.
And so there are people...
But they are powerless to do anything.
And the rage wouldn't be so bad if it was directed at myself...
But the trouble is that it isn't...
Its directed at people when it isn't their fault.And I just think...
Nobody gives a sh*t.
And they just want to get the hell away from me.And its my own doing.
Because no matter how many years go by
And I don't see her
Its not that the memory fades
Because the memory is in the present
And she is there living inside of me
Hurting and hating everybody.
And of course there is nothing anybody can do.
But knowing that doesn't change my rage
That all the way back there there was something that somebody could have done
And he didn't.
And I will never forget.And I remember all the way back...
When I was a little kid.
Lying there in my bed.
Terrified.
Waiting for her to come in my room and grab me
And haul me out of bed
So she could yell at me and hit me for a bit
For something...
Maybe something was out of place around the house
Maybe I looked at her funny a couple days ago
Maybe one of my teachers phoned her about my skipping class
It didn't matter why
It just mattered that it could happen at any minute
And I had to be prepared.
And I made a vow to myself that I would never forget
I would never forget that
And I haven't forgotten
But look at what I've done
:-(And I just need to forget all this now
I'm sorry.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:554076
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050912/msgs/555108.html