Posted by Damos on September 15, 2005, at 22:36:31
In reply to Re: I'm sorry........ » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on September 15, 2005, at 20:08:53
First; I want you to know that I will not be refering to the past or asking you to think about things that are painful or hard here. We've done enough of that for one week.
Second; I want you to know that when I do ask you to think and talk about those things it is because the answers and the feelings they reveal are really important. I wouldn't ask if they were not. I hope you know I would never be that careless with your feelings.
Third; I have no training as a T or a counsellor and no first-hand experience of either, so anything I say here comes from what I have read, what I sense, and from listening to you with my heart.
Alex, your post is a really, really important post and one I think your T should see, maybe most of the thread. Thank you for going to those places and for sharing those things, it means a lot.
I'm going to walk through that post and just tell you what it says to me, okay, because it says a lot.
Yes, you have to be a bit careful. You will always be the best judge of how far and how fast you can go and I will always respect that. But there will also be times when hard questions will need to be asked, in the full knowledge that the answers are going to be hard for you give and so very hard for us to hear. But it will be necessary.
What you said about responsibility is absolutely true, as far as it goes. You, Alexandra_k as you are right now does feel the 'need' to be responsible for the actions of the entire being and that is a perfectly normal feeling. I'd be worried if you didn't feel that way. What's hard to grasp and accept is that each part of you probably feels exactly the same. They act the way they do because they feel 'responsible' and need to act in a particular way at a particular time because that's why they are there. It sounds as though all the parts are totally independent. But maybe that is not entirely true either. It is actually more likely that the various parts 'depend' on each other to be and do specific things that they cannot. If you think of it as a continuum, growth moves from dependent to independent to interdependent. So what you said to me sounds like you are somewhere between dependent and independent (where the parts would be acting in isolation and on their own initiative). Where you want to be is interdependent - "to choose to develop enduring, cooperative relationships, where we seek mutual benefit, interact empathically and value the differences." Essentially where each part takes personal responsibility for itself and for the whole, and chooses to act in the best interest of the whole. This requires communication.
Holding meetings and stuff are things your T needs to work with you on. And I believe there is much to be done before it is safe to do those things. I had to ask in order to know. My suggestion came from being a team leader who once had a individual working for me who always managed to somehow disrupt and de-rail meetings. So I took to having a pre-meeting with them on the basis that I respected them and their contribution to the team but that I needed them to work with me to achieve a particular outcome, and that no matter how 'triggered' they felt during the actual team meeting that I really needed them to trust me and sit with their unease for the benefit of the whole team.
Alex, from what I understand, a person with a dx of DID has had on average 7 dxs before DID is finally arrived at. Apparently BPD is a pretty common one to be given. This says to me that there is probably a whole lot of pretty ineffective treatment that has gone on too. From stuff you've said in the past it sounds like there has been some 'starting in the middle'. Trying to work with the trauma. I think your old T, the one that gave you the box was getting at starting at the start. I think it was maybe even more for awareness than 'mindfulness' or maybe we are saying the same thing with different words. The fact that the thought of communication and conversations frightens you so means that there is a lot of foundational work that hasn't been done. I think the official term is Stabilisation.
We have talked about your little wooden box before, and I know that the last time you openned it it frightened you. Alex, you need to know that what you saw is okay. Apparently some people's internal systems are so fluid and ever changing that it's hard to ever have a clear picture. It could also be that as you reach for greater understanding you are simply becoming more aware of what's there. Either way it is okay and not something to be frightened of, though I know it feels all broken up and confusing. The box and the objects may have been her way of helping you to 'map the system'. One of the key parts of any project plan I develop is a Communications Diagram. It's about mapping all the people involved in the project, their roles and responsibilies, who they report to, and their preferred means of communication etc. As hard as it is, it is the building of the awareness of all the parts of your self and what they 'need' that is the critical first step that everthing else builds from. Becoming aware of the various aspects of yourself is something that I and probably everyone else on Babble and most of those not on babble need to go through to. You are not different, you have just taken the separation of those aspects to a far greater degree. But it is important for you to know that we all show different faces and aspects of ourselves at different times, in different place, to different people, in reaction to different things - it's normal. As to whether they can split, honestly I don't know. Maybe they just become more clearly defined like concepts and terms in philosophy. Maybe they just step out from behind the bigger ones because things seem safer now. Honestly I don't know.
Alex it is this very awareness that helps you to establish the communications we spoke about. Do you trust your T? I do, because I sense that she really cares about you, the whole you and not just your dx. This is where she can really begin to help you. She can help you with the stabilisation. And this has to be the first step. These are the things that will help you get from moment to moment, day to day, to reduce the confusion. Unless this foundation is put in place, I'm not sure how you get to a place where dealing with the underlying trauma that caused the separation can ever really be dealt with without risking major disruption and potentially crashes. Your T can help you so much here if you'll let her. It is important that she helps you with the internal stress that simply having a dx of DID must cause. She can help you find ways to create safety for yourself. She can help you with how you see yourself. I know we both have negative beliefs about ourselves, whether or not we admit to anyone else. She can help you with these and this is important foundation work. Part of this stabilisation process is creating an environment where you feel safe to tell your stories like we have in this thread, because it is the very holding of the 'secrets' that is part of the problem. I hope our friendship, this place and your T can help you find that place. There is nothing you need to feel guilty or ashamed about. Yes I know that's easy for me to say. Bad stuff has to get out to create the space for good stuff to get in. Simply being able to tell the story helps release the pressure and the hold it has on you. My understanding is that handled well, this stabilisation work can take a year or more. It is hard because becoming more aware means dealing with thoughs, feelings and emotions that you may not really want to accept as part of yourself. But see, you've alread been incredibly brave in the way you have spoken to us about the anger and rage. You're doing it and it's relatively okay. It's this stabilisation work that will help you not react in the same old way. Your T is there to help you challenge and work through your beliefs, to help you build internal and external support, to help your learn to communicate with your parts and to encourage the communication. The process of stabilisation never stops. You need to maintain it even when you're workin gon other things.
I think the stabilisation work will really help with playing out the same saga. I actually think just having thought and talked it through will help in it's only way by having reduced the rawness and pressure of it. It's kind of like you've pulled it out held it up to the light "and there it is" - to use one of your phrases. The ability to work with this comes from being in a place where it's safe to do so. I don't need to say a lot more about the remainder of this post or the most recent one because it is all about your gaining a newer/better perspective on something that has been biting you on the bum for a very long time. I think there's going to be a lot of ambivalence experienced about things that come up, but as long as you can find a way to talk through both sides and gain a better perspective it'll be okay. As hard as getting here was, you've come an incedibly long way this week and there is a lot to go forward with, with confidence.
Enough for now.
Being your friend is a true joy and it helps me be better in so many ways. Thank you.
poster:Damos
thread:554076
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050912/msgs/555489.html