Posted by cricket on September 9, 2005, at 8:49:02
Not a good night.
But there's been a shift. I woke up with an entirely different perspective.
I know why I don't question my therapist about his seeming anger or contempt or body language.
It's not so much that I am afraid, although I am.
It's because he never tells the truth.
And having him lie to me is thousands of times worse than taking whatever he dishes out.
I questioned him once about taking a piece of paper and ripping it in tiny pieces because I said I didn't believe him. He denied the paper ripping.
Even when we had such a bad session about the dream a few weeks ago. The next session he denied everything. "Did I say negative transference? Oh I really meant positive. Those are just big words like formal spanish."
Once I did argue with him. He insisted that I had a bad week because of some minor incident that happened at work. I argued for weeks. "No, but it's not like that for me." He absolutely refused to back down. He was the authority, he knew the way these things work and why was I insisting that I was the only one in the world that was different. After weeks of my crying, because I couldn't stand to be against him for so long, we just slowly dropped the argument, but he never conceded even one point.
So if I say to him, "You seem angry or I think you are angry." He would say, "Me? Angry? I think that you must be the angry one." I am 99% sure of it.
Even the phone calls, why not say something simple like "So many calls, you can tell it's the start of a new semester" or "All these calls must be because I was away this weekend" or even "I have no idea why the phone is ringing so much" but instead he just slowly looks at it, tilts it so he can see the number while I wait for his attention. Everything that happens in that room seems to be designed to deny reality.
Even the one time, when I said he was fed up with me, he denied everything (No, I think you must be the one fed up) and then finally when I repeated all his words to him he said "Well maybe I've been hard on you." So, once he has owned his own behavior. Once in three years.
So I think if I point out his body language (and I can't believe he's not aware of it) he will become more and more defensive.
But I just don't want to go anymore. I really don't. I will send a check for what I owe him and be done with it.
I used not to be so crazy.
poster:cricket
thread:552671
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050901/msgs/552671.html