Posted by gardenergirl on September 3, 2005, at 10:28:00
In a session I had recently, (bear with me, this has gotten long) something rather amazing happened. We had been talking about how my "greatest fear" is that I will reach out to others for assistance, support, comfort, etc., and be rejected. I have this fear for good reason, I said, and he agreed. At any rate, a few moments later, when I was still crying (as usual...gosh, I hate getting all snotty in front of someone else!), I said, "Now you look bored."
I proceeded to babble on a bit (pardon the pun)about how "he must be tired of seeing me cry all the time"--"I know I would be"--"well, maybe I wouldn't, I don't know". I was getting all flustered.
First he said very seriously with strong eye contact, "If boredom is present, it means that the good stuff is being repressed. But if someone is pouring their heart out, giving you the privilege of hearing their deepest fears and vulnerabilities, and you are BORED??" He kind of left that hanging, but then went on to tell me that he indeed had noticed his attention begin to wander at the same time I said he looked bored. He interpreted what happened as a re-enactment of me asking for support (via talking about my stuff and needing comfort) and him "rejecting me" by having his attention wander. We had earlier been talking about how my parents were never ones who comforted or soothed, and I had been thinking about this recently when I was sitting up Sunday night watching the radar and worrying about the hurricane (from the Midwest, for Pete's sake). At any rate, it would have been nice to have someone hold me and say that everything's going to be okay. (Of course it's not okay, but that's a different matter).
I was very surprised that I mentioned him looking bored. I've had that thought a couple of other times in the last two years, but I've never mentioned it in the moment like that. I don't know what "possessed me". He said it was an authentic moment. I mentioned that there was no way I could ever or could have ever said something like that to my father, and I certainly would not have received such a caring and thoughtful response. I thanked him for that repsonse, and it was just all warm and nice and safe.
I want to take that moment and the feeling and tuck it away somewhere so that I can have it again when I need it.
I'm trying to think of what the next session was like, but it's escaping me at the moment. But that warm feeling towards him remained. And I also was feeling less anxious and was not dwelling on a future loss of the relationship, which was nice.
Just had to share that.
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:550320
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050901/msgs/550320.html