Posted by Tamar on July 3, 2005, at 20:04:47
In reply to Still torn - longish, posted by Shortelise on July 3, 2005, at 18:05:33
> It seems like it will be a battle, and one I cannot really even participate in as an equal. All I have is silence. The ground is so uneven. He can talk the birds from the trees, he has the gift of the gab, and he has a steel trap mind. When we talk, he has on the tip of his tongue every conversation we've ever had, as well as an analysis of them, so rational, so well organized.
I think that even people who are very articulate in real life become lost for words in therapy. It’s the context and the atmosphere. And since therapists are usually intelligent and well-educated, they seem to have us at a disadvantage, even when we’re intelligent and well-educated ourselves.
> I sit there a blathering idiot steeped in emotion and unable to justify a frilly pickle thing I am saying. "This hurts" "This is wrong for me" "You are taking away my safe place" "YOU HAVE CHANGED". That last is important. He really wants me to explain that. Have you ever lost a friend or lover? You meet him one day and you see in his eyes, you almost smell on him, that whatever there was between you is gone. He doesn't have to say a word, you just know. Or when your best friend says she has but really hasn't forgiven you for something. It's there, and you know it, but it's almost as though you're using senses that don't register on a conscious level.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Is he prepared to discuss whether he really has changed? I hope he’s not suggesting you’re imagining it. Because if he claims he hasn’t really changed, there must be an actual reason for your feeling that he has changed.
> So I am supposed to be able to verbalize now, but I can't, and it feels like a battle, and it feels like a battle I can't fight.It’s not ideal that you feel as if you’re in a verbal battle with him. He should be helping you to verbalise how you feel. He should be on your side in the battle: advising you on weaponry and tactics, and going on manoeuvre with you.
> I used to feel this way with my sister, defeated, contstantly defeated, because she used a logic that I don't possess, and I could never compete with it. It was pure logic, and she could twist and turn it at her will, and I could not. I am playing chess and they are playing checkers and their rules make no sense to me.
I used to feel that way with my dad. It took me years to learn to play his game. And I learned that a big part of that game is to be able to b*lls*it. It’s all about p*ssing up a wall and seeing who can get the highest. But that’s not so useful in therapy, in my experience.
The way you talk, it sounds as if you feel your therapist is trying to defeat you; trying to win a debate for the points. And I can imagine why it feels that way. But I think you *can* win this game. You’re certainly putting in the work!
> I don't know what I will decide to do. I have two weeks and a day to decide. I'm not depressed, not even sad, just ... very thoughtful and a little apprehensive.
(((((ShortE)))))
Thoughtful sounds OK. Apprehensive is understandable. I guess it seems important to figure out (with him) how exactly he can help you at this point. I’m sure he’s still on your side. It’s a question of figuring out together how he can support you through this.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:523054
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050628/msgs/523103.html