Posted by Shortelise on July 3, 2005, at 18:05:33
Today's chapter of ShortE's saga.
After a talk with my T on the telephone three weeks ago almost, which was of course after I stormed out of our session after five minutes saying audibly enough for his receptionist to hear that he's a nasty little man (which *is* nasty as he is only about 5'5 and weighs maybe 140) things were left in my court and I am wondering if I have the balls to go back.
It seems like it will be a battle, and one I cannot really even participate in as an equal. All I have is silence. The ground is so uneven. He can talk the birds from the trees, he has the gift of the gab, and he has a steel trap mind. When we talk, he has on the tip of his tongue every conversation we've ever had, as well as an analysis of them, so rational, so well organized.
I sit there a blathering idiot steeped in emotion and unable to justify a frilly pickle thing I am saying. "This hurts" "This is wrong for me" "You are taking away my safe place" "YOU HAVE CHANGED". That last is important. He really wants me to explain that. Have you ever lost a friend or lover? You meet him one day and you see in his eyes, you almost smell on him, that whatever there was between you is gone. He doesn't have to say a word, you just know. Or when your best friend says she has but really hasn't forgiven you for something. It's there, and you know it, but it's almost as though you're using senses that don't register on a conscious level.
So I am supposed to be able to verbalize now, but I can't, and it feels like a battle, and it feels like a battle I can't fight.
I used to feel this way with my sister, defeated, contstantly defeated, because she used a logic that I don't possess, and I could never compete with it. It was pure logic, and she could twist and turn it at her will, and I could not. I am playing chess and they are playing checkers and their rules make no sense to me.
I don't know what I will decide to do. I have two weeks and a day to decide. I'm not depressed, not even sad, just ... very thoughtful and a little apprehensive.
poster:Shortelise
thread:523054
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050628/msgs/523054.html