Posted by 10derHeart on May 2, 2005, at 13:22:32
In reply to Re: T. Referred to My Younger Self?! (extrememly long), posted by daisym on April 29, 2005, at 2:23:38
> Powerful stuff isn't it? I remember exactly how I felt the first time my therapist talked to little daisy -- and she responded. I almost fell out of my chair. I was really, really upset with him. I remember clearly asking him the next session, "how could you do that to me!" and his response was, "she was right there, with us, couldn't you feel her?" -- Powerful, mind-blowing and I wouldn't have believed that I could ever have felt so completely young.<<
Yeah, it's powerful. I'm not really that upset with him. More curious and confused at what he saw and heard. Because I thought that was simply adult me being embarrassed, quiet, halting and VERY weepy when I have to admit to that kind of needy behavior. But maybe not, because he reacted to something else - of that I'm sure.
I sense this was just a tiny piece of something I often experience as a "deep, dark hurt place." It's *present* , for example, when I'm thinking of someone I miss a lot (ex-T., or my daughter I haven't seen in a while) and then have these crying spells that are too extreme for the situation. These soul-wrenching tears almost have to be about something else. At those moments I do feel a little like a child with no one to console her, but it's muddy. Mostly, I just feel sick and empty and lost.
The deep place I mentioned doesn't lead me to consider repressed memories, well, not of abuse anyway, but to something I can't define or even guess at very well. It's skillfully buried by my "competent-self." I mostly thought it couldn't be from longer ago than age 19 when I lost my mom to cancer. Both T's have as much as agreed that I never grieved over her hardly at all, and I agree, too. But this seemed connected to something else a lot more childlike. Of course, who's to say that such a shocking (because I was misled about her condition and so her death was a shock) event for an only child who was so close to mom, even at 19, couldn't still form the basis for some of this? I mean, who's to say what *age* I *really* was at the chronological age of 19? Does that make sense?
> You aren't "stealing" it anyway. I don't think abuse has to exist for regression to occur. All children suffer hurts at the hands of their parents, even the most loving ones. It is just the way things are. So to have needs that are still connected to younger pieces of ourselves is understandable.<I KNOW this. And I was afraid by writing what I did I'd offend you and others who work with this all the time. Like I was saying, somewhat shocked, "Not me. I don't have that kind of past, so I can't have any younger states hanging around. That's for those *other* people," or something completely awful and wrong like that. Daisy, I hope you know I don't think anything like that AT ALL. I think I've read too much here, in a way. Gotten so in tune with your stories, but classified them as yours (and others, too) - you know, put them in a box of people in touch with younger selves, and that's that. NOT because of the abuse per se, although what I wrote made it sound that way. ANd I could never understand it emotionally, only cognitively, and then all of a sudden last week, I got a quick glimpse into it at a gut level, which felt like an altered state, and...wow.
> My guess is that your younger self may not need to hang around as much, she may not have a lot to work through. Or maybe she does, who knows? But I think you learned a lot about your therapist today, and his ability to handle your shame and grief in a very caring way. He gets lots of brownie points for that. <
I think that's a reasonable guess and may turn out to be right on target. I'll keep my mind open, though. And yes, he gets huge points. I've been thinking he doesn't even know how many. Our relationship was already really good. But with this, to be frank, I would have thought only my ex-T. could have evoked something like this, because he exudes sensitivity, and I could *feel* him in the space between us much better. Just before he moved away last summer, we did have one session where a similar thing began to happen. But, we ran out of time before exploring it :-( So, if this T. can touch me like this... Well, I'm impressed and surprised.> It is disorienting when the room narrows and time is suspended like that. It doesn't happen often. So of course you are exhausted.
Yeah. Thanks for that. Who has time to sleep all day, though? Hah! I'm the single person, not presently employed, with only a cat to take care of - and listen to me whine!
> I'm glad you wrote it all out and shared it with us. I'm sitting here nodding my head and smiling.<
Daisy, thanks so much for saying that. Not only because you obviously *get* this (I already knew you would), but because I'm hoping you see I didn't mean to write anything in that post that sounded offensive. I'm still mixed up about why now, why during that topic, and so forth. And I fear I made it sound like only the more *damaged* people have this happen...and I SO do NOT NOT feel that way. I don't even know what that is, and besides, I HATE that you were abused so much I want to break things!
I couldn't stand it if you thought I was characterizing you and your therapy in some bad way or something. I can be such an inarticulate fool sometimes :-( Thanks for everything you wrote. I don't know how you do it with all that's on your plate.
I'm still available for hand-holding duty, by the way. In or out of your therapist's office. For any age Daisy that would need it. It would be an honor. Hugs from me.
poster:10derHeart
thread:491270
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050428/msgs/492698.html