Posted by 10derHeart on April 28, 2005, at 23:58:09
(Subject line really IS here near the end, I just have to set it up a lot first…)
In my session yesterday, I finally told my T. (seeing him for 5 months now) a story I’d been holding back. I posted about it here a couple months ago, asking opinions as to whether or not I should tell him and if so, when. It involved describing to him a session last summer with my ex-T. where I confessed to driving by his house and office many, many times over a period of maybe six to eight months. This is what ex-T. and I, after a fashion, came to jokingly call my “stalking story.” Only because in the letter I wrote him (couldn't say it - too scared) to tell him about my anxiety in missing him between sessions, and relieving it this way, I repeatedly explained what I was NOT doing, and that he just couldn’t think I was a "creepy stalker." Anyway, for weeks now this has been in the back of my mind, as being something that HAD to be told to current T. For honestly purposes, and becasue it later led to deeper stuff about loss and grief over my mom's death, etc. So yesterday, Itold the story.
It took a lot of nervous water-bottle drinking, playing with my shirt buttons, staring at the floor, before I could get it out. He was really wonderful from start to finish, but toward the end surprised the heck out of me to a point I felt a sense a unreality in the room, as if time warped, or I was dreaming or something.
First, when I couldn’t start and kept joking and sighing and looking miserable, he asked what I was feeling right then. I told him scared, nervous, strange, confused. We talked about those feelings a little, and I said I knew they’d mostly go away (I hoped) if I could just do this. Finally, I was able to explain the driving by, how I told ex-T., how fantastic he was about it, accepting and gentle and calm. I explained everything I can remember about what each of us said, particularly how ex-T. immediately took it to the childhood level, speaking about rapprochement, and that looked at through a small child’s eyes, my needing to somehow reconnect to him all the time, to always check if he was still there for me – was a perfectly okay feeling and even expected. That he understood as the adult *10der* it was awful, wondering, worrying, seeing my peers not doing this, and thinking what the heck is wrong with me? (I’d written as much in the letter) He handled it superbly, it cemented our relationship forever, and I always call it the defining moment in that therapy.
Anyway, as I haltingly spoke about all of that, crying and hesitating and explaining (it's still so embarrassing to confess this) my T. sat so still and quiet. I’ve never seen him silent for so long, as he’s an extrovert, very interactive with me, and we usually go back and forth a lot, even on the hard stuff. But not this time. It felt – reverent almost, as if it would be rude and wrong to even move or speak. I guess that was okay, but scary, too, as it was different. I risked a glance up once in a while to make sure he was still listening. He was. It was so hard, because of the risk in him knowing I’m capable of this close-to boundary-crossing behavior, and the flood of memories and longing for ex-T. which he knows is always just under the surface, was there, too, with its rivers of tears. (But actually, that separation has gone so well, it’s not too painful to talk about him now.)
Here it gets fuzzy as to order of events, because what he's about to say overshadows everything. I know we talked abut how I’d asked you guys whether I should tell this (he knows basics about Babble and that it’s important to me), fearing some T’s could be scared off by it, etc. He talked a lot about that, asking me if anything in his body language, previous comments, tone, words – anything – gave me the idea he was upset by this information, or worried, or wanted me to leave or any of the stuff I’d blurted out I was terrified ex-T. would feel. I admitted I couldn’t think of a thing, but said I was still ashamed and confused. T. told me he’s not afraid of me, or made nervous by me, and was so glad I was able to tell the story. He also said he trusts me. He said some other warm and good things, but I can’t recall them. He wondered if it was part of our "logjam" as we’ve called the lack of progress and connection I’ve been feeling for the last few sessions. I said probably.
Then he focused in on an aspect of my telling the "drive by" tale that I’d never paid attention to before. The fact it sounded to him like I was so sure I’d be punished, and was defending myself as a child does. That he’d heard me explain and protest at several points that I wasn’t bad, that I hadn’t done anything wrong, that I was NOT a stalker, that I would never invade ex-T’s privacy by doing inappropriate stuff, that everyone (T. and ex-T.) HAD to believe I was telling the complete truth. I’m listening to this, and he pauses and I realize he’s scooted forward in his chair toward me (NEVER does that). Then he says very softly, "Little *10der* might be afraid of getting in trouble. That she’s broken the rules and so no one will care about her any more." I couldn’t even look up or speak. He said something else about a 5 or 10 year old *10der* having this need and it being so very natural…I know I interrupted, not upset but more puzzled, and told him I never thought of it like that. It was a toddler, not any older, I knew that. But even that was just a theory and I didn’t understand yet the reality of a 45-year old woman reacting to the intense relationship with ex-T. by reverting to this obsessive behavior. I got sort of argumentative in a sniffling way, and so he backed off, saying he would never want to "tell my story" or plant any certain ideas of age in my mind. We sat quietly for maybe 15 seconds and then (it was past time to be done by now) he scoots even a little closer and says in such a kind way, "Would you tell little *10der* that she’s okay? That her story is a good one, and she’s not bad at all? And that she’s perfectly safe in here and no one wants her to leave?" That’s when I felt the room spin some – I mean not like dizzy, it just seemed unreal. To have him directly address me as a younger age, after all I’ve read on these boards, suddenly…I felt…I DON’T KNOW. Not bad. Not good. Like someone else? Not like a child though. He waited a minute and I finally looked him in the eye and he looked very kind, and I said, "okay, I guess." Nothing else would come out. It was much like watching a movie instead of being really in the room, everything changed so fast when he spoke that way.
Now I’ve written all this and I don’t know why, except there was some sort of extraordinary feeling that went on and I had to tell it here. I’m confused. There’s no abuse, neglect or abandonment in my childhood. None at all. There’s not even any memory of either parent being tough on me or requiring the rules to be followed all the time. Ex-T. and I ran out of time before we could delve deeply into my rapprochement behavior, so other than what I read here and have researched on my own, I don’t know what the point of this may be. But T. was quite sure of himself and it seemed to be the most natural thing in the world that he just started asking me to "tell" little *10der* something.
I feel as if I’m "stealing" the concept of younger selves in therapy from others like Daisy, to whom it obviously applies. Which makes no sense – he suggested it – or should I say jumped in with both feet, not me! I never expected to hear that, and because our time was up, I couldn’t process it more with him. Was he wrong to do that? Afterwards, I felt exhausted, relieved, curious, a sense of wonder and maybe eager to talk more. But also almost as if something’s “off.” I think I’m saying I was caught so off guard by that approach being used, I’m still reeling a little. Not in a painful way, though. I did feel more connected, and cared about and understood, yet very possibly misunderstood, too. Is this possibly resistance to something quite on the mark, so I should keep my mind open?
I can’t believe I wrote a post this long. :-( But this was a startling and unsettling session for me, and I don’t know what else to do with all these swirling questions. I’ve probably made a mountain out of a molehill and sound foolish. Well, it won’t be the first time. I both want the next session to come quickly, but then again, I dread it, too.
Anyone who made it reading this far, you deserve a special prize. Guess all I have are ((hugs))
poster:10derHeart
thread:491270
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050428/msgs/491270.html