Posted by Skittles on January 11, 2005, at 2:47:36
Oh my goodness, I am completely panicking. I have NEVER called my T outside of session on my own accord. I did call her once over the holidays, but that was ONLY because she told me she expected to hear from me at least once. I was afraid that if I didn't call her, she'd think me uncooperative. Anyway, it took all the courage I could muster, but tonight I finally called her service and ask that she be paged. About an hour after my call, I hadn't heard from her and we had to leave the house unexpectedly. When I got back home about an hour after that, there was a message from my T. She said that she had just gotten the page, left her home number telling me to call as soon as I got it, said she'd try again in 10 minutes and if she didn't reach me she'd have to CALL THE POLICE to make sure everything was okay!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was literally screaming the "f" word as I dialed her number. Luckily she had only left the message a very few minutes before and had not yet phoned back a second time. I am so mad, hurt, scared I could spit. Really, I DO understand in my brain why she had to say that. She has asked recently (including at our session today before the call) whether I ever thought of "hurting myself" to which I answered an honest yes (and now sorely regret). Though I've made it perfectly clear that I WILL NOT act on these desires (and I mean it). Her service screwed up and she didn't get my message until 2 hours after I had left it. So from her perspective, a suicidal patient who has never called before actually calls, she gets the message WAY late and then can't get in contact with patient. So I'm sure it must have been uncomfortable for her as well, really I do.
The actual time on the phone with her was pointless. I felt like I was going to vomit the whole time (and did as soon as I hung up). I didn't say half of what I wanted to say because I was afraid to. Clearly honesty is NOT the best policy. I managed to tell her that I had not been able to look at her much during today's session b/c I was afraid I'd lose it and that I regretted that b/c I think I find a lot of comfort in eye contact with her. She asked if there was anything else I wanted to tell her and I answered absolutely not. I hung up feeling far, far worse than I did when I had her paged.
This has me most certainly committed to NEVER EVER calling again and seriously considering bolting from therapy all together. I'm not mad AT her, I'm just mad that it had to happen like this. She doesn't feel safe anymore and I regret my honesty. It's caused me all kinds of problems. Thank goodness my husband did not hear her message (though I sent him out for sodas at 2 in the morning so I could erase the darn thing), but he knew I was talking to my T and he gives me grief about my level of dependence on her. So that's just not good.
Plus, I can't get out of my head what WOULD have happened if she had called the police and they had shown up at my door. The mere thought of the humiliation is overwhelming. My husband would know that I want to die and I absolutely DO NOT want him to. I don't want him worrying daily about what I'm going to do. I don't want to have to wonder if his caring is real or just something he's doing to try and "save" me. What if my parents had been called? What if they had talked to my neighbors? I freely admit that I live my daily life behind a facade. I feel like I must in order to survive. Tonight I saw it all crashing down around me. At this point, that is not something I could survive. Now no one is safe. Not even my T. I can already feel myself pushing her out, and very quickly.
poster:Skittles
thread:440519
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050105/msgs/440519.html