Posted by mair on January 11, 2005, at 8:08:44
In reply to Called T - VERY, VERY BAD, posted by Skittles on January 11, 2005, at 2:47:36
skittles - when I was first able to talk to my T about feeling suicidal, our conversations led me to believe that she might overreact. During one stretch, she kept harping at me about maybe going to the hospital and was even talking briefly about involuntary commitment. I knew enough about this (or was able to lear enough)to know that she wasn't even close to having the grounds to successfully have me committed. I was thinking about suicide alot then, but I really didn't think I would act on it and to me, being forced into a hospital seemed worse than death. I almost felt like I had to fake it with her so she'd think I was better than maybe I was.
When I started to turn a corner and we were able to process all those horrible sessions, I was able to get her to see the difference between wanting and needing to talk about things like suicide without having her jump to the wrong conclusions. And I think I was able to assure her (although I didn't necessarily believe it myeslf) that I wouldn't do anything without calling her.
It's been helpful for me to have an outlet for expressing those thoughts and I think being able to talk to her on that level strengthened my sense of connection to her enough to make me feel that I really will call her if I think I'm going to act on things. I can tell also that her confidence level about me is higher now - that she seems to really believe that I won't hurt myself without contacting her. In a way it's annoying to me that I now feel this sense of responsibility to her, but in more rational moments I know that any additional impediment to hurting myself is a good thing.
I'm also one of those people who never call - only once in 6 years or so of seeing her. It was a Sunday morning and she never got my message until late afternoon so it was hours before I heard from her. Fortunately she didn't fall all over herself conveying worry to me when we were finally able to talk - I think that would have made things worse. But I'm sure she was pretty shocked to come home and hear my message on her answering machine.
She and I have spent countless sessions talking about when I should call; when I shouldn't; what I could say to her; how she might react - it's all very basic stuff probably to most people but not at all to me.
My point here is that I think you need to let her know that it's important to you that you be able to be honest with her without having her overreact because I really think this is something the 2 of you should be able to work out. Maybe when you left your message, there is something you could have said that might have indicated to her that you felt enough of a sense of despair that you really needed to talk to her but that you weren't going to hurt yourself without speaking with her first. Could you have said that? Would it have been true?
Mair
poster:mair
thread:440519
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050111/msgs/440575.html