Posted by Skittles on January 12, 2005, at 19:23:34
In reply to Reply to update (also long) » Skittles, posted by Daisym on January 12, 2005, at 11:19:01
Daisy,
I *know* I need to talk to my T about this, but I am struggling so with even going. So many opposite feelings swirling about on the inside that I'm confused. On the one hand, I'm thinking of just not showing up (stupid, I know). Yet on the other, been thinking about asking her to sit next to me on the sofa, in hopes that the physical closeness might somehow make up for the emotional distance I'm feeling.
I did have something to compare that message to. There was another one from several weeks ago that I saved and listen to when I'm feeling needy. When I sent my husband out, I had time to listen to them both a couple of times. Maybe what I should not have done was listen to them together because doing so is what caused all the feelings of confusion about her voice. If there is one thing that I feel clear on about all this, it's that there *was* a big difference. And as far as anything threatening goes, I felt that more from her words than from her tone.
>>>>>My most pushy answer here is you make yourself tell her because without being honest, you can't get better.
Oh Daisy, I know I should be honest, but from my perspective, honesty is what caused the breakdown here. Yes, I *do* hear how ridiculous that sounds, but it's what I really think. I'm feeling punished for being honest. The only way I'd be able to tell her about this is if we can figure out some kind of system that works as far as the calling thing is concerned. Because if we don't and she thinks looking good could mean feeling really bad, then she'll do the same thing any time I call and she is unable to reach me. Either that or I could never ever call.
>>>>>Why did this happen? There is no answer to this. I think stuff just does when you are in a deep relationship with someone. There is a loss of control.
So does this mean you think I might me in a deep relationship with my therapist? It feels like such a struggle that I always figured I was still a long way from achieving that. But maybe that struggle has a lot to do with this loss of control. I don't do well with not having control.
>>>>>I think the other thing that hurts, and what has changed, perhaps, is that you were slapped with the reality that this is her job and part of her job has protocols and procedures to keep you safe. You have no real control over those rules, except to quit. It felt bad for her to treat you like a "clinical case" -- she applied universal rules to your individual situation. I think the potential loss of your privacy, instigated by the person who knows the most about you, is huge. Understandable on an intellectual level, but it might feel like an abandonment on some primal level. In my experience, only time and talking about it makes it better. You have to reconnect emotionally. You can't just understand it intellectually.
Yes!!!!! I hadn't thought of it like this before. Especially the abandonment part. But I think you nailed it. I guess I wouldn't be feeling so alone and separate from her if there weren't at least some feelings of abandonment.
>>>>>I agree that leaving 4 or 5 messages seems extreme. What if she was on the phone with another client and couldn't call you back for 1/2 an hour or so, but did get the page?
I have no idea. The calling every 15 minutes thing was her idea. If only I could leave a message for her (private on a machine and not with a person), that would help so much. I can't believe she's satisfied with getting just a name and phone number.
>>>>>It also points up the fact that you need (at least) two other people to call and talk to when you feel horrible. I can say this to you because I resisted this hugely for more than a year. But I've learned that my therapist can't be my only form of support, even if he is my main one.
The very thought of this makes me want to crawl under the bed and never come back out. The very idea makes me feel sick. The only place I feel comfortable is here. There is no one IRL I would even consider talking to about what's going on with me. Terrifying.
>>>>>Keep writing too, if you want. I'll help anyway I can. I tend to go over and over the same issues here, it helps me organize my thoughts and gives me courage to bring things up in therapy. You are doing a lot of great work thinking about this. I know you will get through it.
Thank you for giving me permission to keep this going and for offering your support. So often I feel like I should only say it once and then let it go.
poster:Skittles
thread:440519
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050111/msgs/441317.html